letting go ad infinitum….

yesterday my durga oil broke and everything felt different.  as if reality is switching.  i thought about what it would be like to remove all of the habits i engage in to keep myself armored from my own sensitivity.  i feel everything and everyone at high volume, it comes with being an empath, the curse with the gift so to speak.  ruby was mentioning something she heard or read, calling this type of sensitivity “monks disease”.  hilarious label.  anyhow, i am like this.  it’s why i hate taking the bus, why i was always angry in new york city, and why i use my habits to create armor.  but what if i let my habits fall away, and replaced them with healthier habits, such as breathing techniques and more meditation, etc?  in the past, i have let go of my habits, it’s not hard, i am not attached to them.  what gets hard, is being my sensitive self.  i usually return to my habits, as a result.  but that’s the old me.  and the durga oil breaking says, new me. new life.  the old story is dying on many levels.

the old story of attracting men too.  my new motto is fresh and clean.  you will be attracted and they wont.  they will be attracted and you wont.  you both will be attracted and something will keep you apart.  until at last, you both are attracted, come together in harmonious reciprocity, and it’s true love.  true love is the alchemical love that changes you from the inside out, not the hollywood brainwash walk into the sunset.  i have said this too many times, though, and am not gonna disclaim anymore.  maybe i sense him coming, and sense the changes in me that will happen as a consequence of our love.  i feel it.  i feel this is the durga oil breaking.  when i meet the one, my life will change.  i have seen it happen with my friends.  and ironically, i don’t really need him or need to change.  i wont know i need him until i need him and i wont know i need to change until i change.  it’s a paradox, like everything.

the old me needed a man to feel love.  but i found love without him, and i became autonomous.  now i only need to share the love i already generate within.  this makes the love sweeter and more powerful, because i am not a bitter pill needing to be sweetened, i am already the sweetness.  anyhow, the cards keep showing him.  the king of pentacles every time.  hiding still.  oh to pull cards, it’s so strange to live partially behind the veil all the time.  that’s just how it goes.  yin and yang.  feeling the balance within.  my inner masculine energy a trusted source now, though it used to be dormant.  makes the feminine all the more free, as she can trust and rely on him, within.  i can let my uber yin cycle waft and be as soft and flowey as she wants, cause i know when it’s time to come back to structure, he will call her home, within.  third day back to the mat after an uber yin cycle, feels good.  took two days for it to feel good.  yoga will always be hard.  and this is good, cause it mirrors life.  life will always be hard.  it’s supposed to be.  and by hard, i don’t mean resistant.   i mean challenging.  life will always be challenging.

i am feeling my resistances fall away.  a calm is taking over.  because facing death, illness, intimacy, and suffering, is all wonderful.  i toss intimacy in there with illness, suffering, and death, because to me, intimacy is scary.  i know how to be loved and how to love.  i am filled with love.  and yet i still might need a bit of coaxing into intimacy.  it still might be easier to be the left alone sparrow on a tree branch, overlooked.  we create our experience.  and there is great safety in being untouched and unchosen.  like, persephone on the run, refusing to get trapped again by a man.  it’s time to let this fear fall, too.  to allow the sparrow to be human and loved.  i have said no to the not right love, though love it was (it’s always love).  all of these old habits have their flowers in the external, as whatever comforts or distractions they blossom as…but they root into beliefs within.  the old belief, “it’s safe to be alone.” is ready to die.  it’s safe to allow the right love in, and i can trust myself to know who he is, because i have learned discernment.  though if tested again, i am prepared to say no, for as many times as it takes.

by the way, the spider i spoke of in yesterday’s thrilling chronicle of my ordinary life….found her way to freedom!  i hope.  well, i sent her energy, to go into this one pipe that would lead her to the roof, as i imagined her weaving a web in a tree, like a proper spider, liberated from the prison of my bathroom.  i told her to find her true home, where she belongs.  maybe she did, cause when i got back from yoga, she was gone.  another sign?  signs abound.  right place is easy to find, when you let go of the delusions and what you cannot have, and that’s the hard part.  me and my friend were joking about all the letting go we are constantly having to do, but it’s oh so true.  letting go is the way.  this entire blog is brought to you by the scorpio full moon exhale we are in.  have a beautiful day of letting go….