feeling the karma on friday….

it takes a lot of sacred solitude to get to writing the story.  took all day alone, being open, wafting around…to get to the pages i wrote.  i almost went out with a friend instead, but my intuition told me not to, and i know that i need to carve out more time alone, and be less social, especially in this part of the writing phase….because….i don’t conceptualize the plot, it just come into my brain, once i have been alone enough for the day, emptied out to receive it.  getting back on the yoga mat was friggen hard.  my body felt like it was made of hematite.  holding poses hurt every muscle.  i was out of breath.  only six days away and much of my stamina had left.  but i wonder how much of this is due to moon times, and city weights.  who knows and who cares.  i wrote in the sunshine last night, on a restaurant patio’s busy corner, filled with people and cars, fumes and sounds, drinking a glass of wine.  this i need to do more often.  if i am going to live in the heart of a city, i am going to live in the heart of a city.  i keep telling myself “everything is as it should be.”  there’s a spider whose been hanging out on my bathroom ceiling since yesterday.  she’s trapped.  is life as it should be for her?  i keep asking mamma spider and all the invisible forces to help her, cause she’s too high up for me to help.  if i intervene, it will be with a big duster thingy, and she’ll fall into my shower and i am not sure i can set her free.  maybe if i kill her it can be symbolic, because she is me.  i don’t want to kill her.  it would mirror the things i do that i don’t want to do.  such as eat meat sometimes, cause it makes my body feel better, even as i keep trying to stop, year after year.  and buying clothes that are not made humanely because they are affordable.  using an iphone, too.  basically, being part of weaving an insidious web, that i did not start, but partake of due to money, convenience, and other trappings.  but i am taking steps.  it’s all an illusion, but the illusion is a test.  it’s all about how we treat one another.  love is the reason.  dreamed last night about a huge deluge coming through the city streets, obviously about to kill me and everyone, and i felt calm about it.  death of myself does not scare me.  only death of those i love, going before me, leaving me here.  the temptation is always to leave.   i was born feeling this temptation.  and yet now, i do love living in this body, in this life, despite all of the inhumanity.  if you feel like dying, stay here with me.  find out who you really are.  awaken past your ego identity, to the truth of your essence.  waking up to that, here, in the body, is important.  speaking of trapped animals, at yoga yesterday they were talking about a wounded pigeon that was hanging round, being wounded, for days.  when i hear stories of this, it breaks my heart.  the trapped pigeon, like the trapped spider.  i asked my teacher if she thought the pigeon knew it was suffering.  we humans assume not.  that only humans conceptualize a thing such as suffering.  but i am not so sure.  how easy it is for us to gloss over what hurts, cause nobody can handle feeling emotional pain.  deeper into buddha i go, facing every feeling, unafraid.  in this spider web of karma with y’all.  yesterday i wore my wool native american print shall given to me by my mother, and it felt like a costume telling the city people that i am connected to earth and all of her spirits.  feeling the native blood spilled, beneath my feet.  i have always felt close to their plight, even though their blood is not part of mine.  their karma still not mended, as none is, with the mistreatment of races.  hoping my heart’s acknowledgment does something positive for what is overlooked every day.  pushing myself too, to do things different even when it’s hard and inconvenient.  coaxing myself, to wake from the false dream into the real one, drop by drop.  and to love without a single hook…