no title thursday….

today i return to the mat.  i miss the meditation of it, and the sweating.  slowly returning back into the strength of body, after almost a week with chills, unearthing uncomfortable feelings.  a moon flower.  not always doing the same thing day to day, week to week, yet always returning back to it monthly, as the full moon does.  the flow.  the sun is out.  today might be warm.  i have nothing to say.  struggling to write this.  currently i am putting together a class in my head, but it’s boring to talk about.  my healing process feels boring to talk about too.  the only interesting part, is how, when removing my five false refuges of escaping into negative vows, analysis, future dreaming, food, and externalizing happiness…the feelings underneath rise to the surface of my heart, strong as a shot of whisky on a hot day with no water.  then, at a certain point, after allowing the feeling to burn in my body without judgement or trying to fix, it leaves completely.  when will this stop surprising me?  we really do expect feelings to have more clout than just feeling.  as if they can hold us up with some internal gun, take all we got, kill us.  learning to feel the shot of whisky in a dehydrated water-less moment, is the key.  or whatever the metaphor may be.  riding down an ice slide in the arctic.  being carried by a tsunami with no ground.  wearing head to toe polyester on a hot muggy day.  every version of discomfort.  getting used to that.  is the success story.  no matter what the case.  be it healing from the past, or dealing with grief, illness, or whatever suffering presents itself next.  i love the way the beige buildings look against the cornflower blue sky.  reminds me of seashells against water.  the buildings are housing little people, like oysters.  today i will wear my ocean jasper and fluorite pendant.  start the next kingsolver book, and write.  after the mat i return to.  it’s hard, this part where i have to switch from the lunar waft, to the solar work.   luckily i have my trusted tiger to ride upon.  bringing me into the veins.  received my letter of good health last night, from my doctor’s visit, and felt deep appreciation again, for my doctor.  how her compassion, helped me shed a few tears and face my fears.  how thankful i am for doctors.  for everybody and how we all help each other.  the innocence underneath all the bullshit we chirp, about the violence of the have and have-not society that needs a new paradigm.  right now i feel like i want to hug people the way i usually only want to hug animals.  feeling the sweet innocent creature of us all.  sometimes i wish i was helping somebody in a different way, than through my soul doctor work.  like, wish i could design their kitchen, or take their blood, or save them from the sex slave industry.  i guess sometimes it would be nice to have a vacation from me, and to experience the way of another.  do you ever crave this?  a vacation from yourself?  i suppose this is why i love to write fiction.  when i wrote “seven days” i was melissa and justin.  it felt satiating.  i crave to embody characters other than michelle.  anyhow, blah blah blah.  babble babble babble.  no eloquent poetic ending here.  a bit abrupt.  less ideal…