mundane me these days….

still feeling silent and out of my head.  scattered too. maybe from walking in the sun a lot, letting go a lot.  change.  blogging feels like something i don’t do.  but i am forcing myself.  if it turns into me not doing it anymore, i am ok with this too.  for it’s only a mental perception that feels the need to keep an online oracle of my life.  made a big switch this week.  no more looking back to the past, or past lives, to do healing.  no more analytical healing by integrating the past into the present.  i have been doing that for a million years and i feel it’s time to move on.  now i am fully embracing the buddhist method of integration.  examination is always present time.  and what i have examined in the now, is the vow, “my life is not as it should be” being the resistance.  i am not resisting this vow, as i feel it swell up my tummy, and flare in my heart, causing sorrow and anger.  watching it with loving kindness, and letting it go is what i am doing.  not an easy one to let go of.  ego has so many reasons for this to be true.  watching those reasons and sweet little ego do its thing, is the practice.  and letting go.  i threw jung into the fire, right upon being most enthused and seduced into the magical working with the unconscious mind through story-lining it to past roots.  nothing wrong with this.  just something i am stopping doing.  the buddhist method calls to me in full saturation… is the path that pulls me deeper….feels like my way….for healing and health.  durga coming to me is helping me too.  she’s so different than the other aspects i have merged with thus far.  the hindu version of the aspects have completely taken me over too.  no more egyptian, greek, or babylonian versions.  it’s all buddhist and hindu interpretations now.  and this is my first time merging with a more fierce hindu aspect of creation.  durga, i like her.  she feels like a no bullshit, take it as it is, multi-faceted star child, riding on a tiger.  yesterday she helped me realize how invested my mind is to the future, through my present thinking.  she calls my shit out.  i love her.  ma durga!  anyhow…currently, i feel like the most boring person.  i have no interesting sparkle.  oh, i got myself a doctor finally after a gazillion years.  i knew she’d be comforting.  i called out for a good one.  why do i find it fun to jaunt down to pike place market to get a blood test?  maybe it’s my 12th house north node, but i like being in medical buildings.  a cool thing about not having much money is that the places you go to, like medical centers, have a different feeling than the rich ones.  there’s something more community feeling among the less money institutions.  i don’t say this in a glamorized way, for there’s injustice and awfulness from not having money to get the right treatment too.  but there is also the loving part, doctors who really care, more community feeling, cause american money means a ton of space between people.  it means, not having to be near others.  there’s something about money that leads humans to want more space.   i get this.  i love space too.  i am also changing. walking into my resistances.  one of them is people.  but medical buildings help.  i would have a made a great nurse or doctor in another life.  but man, talk about intimacy.  again, i know all the awfulness of the medical industry and how it preys on the bank account, and is non-holistic, etc.  but there’s the love too….think about it.  a doctor or nurse gets super intimate with you.  they cut your body open, take your blood, touch your genitals, examine your pee and poo, and tell you what you need to be healthy.  it’s pretty intense.  i thank them for doing this.  who am i, talking about this stuff?  you might be changing right now too.  scorpio full moon season does that.  apologies if this blog is really mundane and not interesting….