full moon scorpio saturates and sizzles….

it’s the scorpio full moon, tomorrow evening….but the feeling has begun.  it began last night, with the protests.  i feel so tired, as if gravity is holding me down with clamps.  not in my head at all.  so blogging is harder.  but i gotta.  wearing durga over a copper flower of life around my neck.  durga….invincibility.  flower of life….the one vast endless being i am a cell of.  white blood cells kill bacteria.  durga is a white blood cell.  i realize it’s his voice.  another tangible miracle.  so many have been lived in my life.  if i die tomorrow, it’s ok.  it’s been a powerful life.  so many people i have found from past lives, and future lives.  tribe.  transmuting lead to gold on the inside.  bryce canyon.  the sea.  the trees.  living beings.  eating chicken, torn like one with her head cut off.  painting colors of dusk and dawn.  no more men.  back into the ashram again. not really though.  just restraining desire, while i gather the right tools, so i can say no if i need to.  would rather not prepare for this.  can i let it go into the full moon?   may i let go of the rat wheel of learning the lesson?  sometimes lessons feel like rat wheels.  there’s other ways through.  like letting go into the scorpio full moon.  reading the best book right now, “the bean trees” by barbara kingsolver.  it reads easy and penetrates deep.  the poetry doesn’t feel contrived.  her words move me in a way that makes me feel parts of myself i have needed to feel.  the Guatemalan part.  sometimes i feel like i have a Gautemalan heart.  never been there.  but this is how it feels to me.  the book has nothing to do with Gautemala either.  maha mantra just started… soon as it hits my blood, i begin to soften, melt, and remember. memories from other lives and dimensions fly through me like birds.  every life is a bird.  sparrow, cardinal, crow, bluebird, magpie, quail, and on and on….uhhhh, i am melting.  scorpio full moon, you are turning my solid into liquid like sugar on a hot pan.  but soon as you stop burning your full light, i am gonna turn into caramel candy and be solid again.  then what?  will i have become silver and no longer brass?  this place called earth is an oyster.  this place called earth is a goddess, and i am her cell.  i am her cell named michelle.  she is the heart beating in a galaxy of other organs.  on and on.  it’s always…on and on.  come back to the details.  when a customer came in to show me her rings that st. anthony returned.  i love her name.  the customer who felt weird about working at a food festival all day, when some people don’t even have enough to eat.  i related hard.  it’s like when i read upscale food reviews, and immediately feel those who haven’t eaten today.  the feeling is hurtful, and makes me wanna judge and get mad at people with money, flaunting it and such.  but that’s not right.  that’s just me reflecting back a similar disregard.  my heart tells me that 75 percent of humans are loving to the point where they want harmony for all people, where as about 25 percent don’t, and out of these people, some are born that way-like maybe 1 percent, as nature births everything, but most have been molded to hate by their traumatic loveless upbringings, and it’s the fault of karmic progeny.  being victim is a real thing, but you must not dwell there, because if you do, you will take the injustice done to you, and make it your own.  i know, i did it.  and i did it hard.  look to me to understand double injustice.  that was many years ago now, when i was double injustice girl.  i don’t think about her much anymore.  but i have been lately over the past few days, as the protests march, and as i watch myself regress in one specific circumstance, over and over.  gotta give myself acceptance and there’s still letting go to do.  blah.  don’t wanna look at the worms in the ground anymore.  mind, don’t think.  just feel my way through this.  that’s all…no biggie.  time to sing away all of these spider webs.  mamma spider, not yours.  just the ones woven by the pain of one person doing harm to somebody who double does it to themselves, and things getting confused.  scorpio full moon, you are intense.  why i gotta go here?  i surrender.  like in those old cartoons.  i am laying in the earth, raising a white flag.  here lives a beautiful cell in a shell, for a limited time only.   i better end this and go to bed…