second blog thursday, cause it’s turned out to be another intense day, in this intense season of my life. once again i manifested a man i needed to say no to. i am barely saying no to him. it’s taking all of my strength. the lesson is to be able to be the king of swords about it, and it’s an important lesson of the divine feminine energy in all of us. to be able to use logic and reason to discern who to say yes and no to.
it’s been a huge lesson for me. i needed to say no to the last three men in my life, who all told me the same thing: don’t attach. number one always was cancelling on me. number two was going through a lot, and poly-esque. number three is totally poly and also going through a lot. none of these three men wanted to be intimate with me. they all wanted to play and indulge on their terms, and also to to learn something from me, get some of that priestess healing and nurturing of mine. you know, basically, get what they wanted out of it, not concerned with my needs. nothing wrong with this, mind you….and they have all been honest. but the reciprocity was off. the alignment was off. off for me.
number one was so a.d.d, and emotionally disconnected that it was pretty easy to let him go, though man, was i attracted to him. number two was harder, cause i felt a real simpatico with him on some odd level i cannot explain, a strong attraction and friendship both, and he has a wonderful ability to communicate, which was refreshing. number three…this was a great challenge, because i felt us melt into one being, and felt an ancient soul connection with him, comfort and healing, essential aspects. but it does not matter. this is the lesson.
does not matter what potential there is for love, how strong the mutual attraction, how old the soul connection…what matters is harmonious reciprocity. this is key. and to have that, you first must have self love and self awareness. it’s taken me a long time to get here to self love and awareness. that’s a whole cycle of lessons in and of itself. now i know for sure, i am and never will be poly, that i want to create a one woman, one man true love partnership….and that even in the mean time, while i wait for him to come into my life…..i cannot be any guy’s side chic. i cannot be the girl he cancels on last moment cause i am not a priority. i cannot be the girl he calls upon when the mood strikes. i cannot be a dose of pleasure among his harem. i cannot be girlfriend number seven. i cannot do any of this stuff. it’s not me.
there is no need to blame these men, or judge their life styles. all three men are beautiful and i love all three of them. they are awesome. we are just not aligned. this is part of the lesson: being reasonable and staying objective. go on your feelings only to know if you should say yes or no, and then be reasonable about it. no need to blame these guys because i am not getting what i want. it’s not their narrative or fault that i keep manifesting poly-don’t attach-a.d.d-hardship central men. no need to create a pattern either, by thinking i am doing something wrong because of manifesting them. first off, it just happens cause we are animals. and secondly, i am creating this to learn the lesson of being reasonable and fathering myself, by learning discernment.
being poly is great if that’s your thing. going through a hard time in life and not being emotionally available for intimacy is fine, it is what it is. whatever the case may be, if developing intimacy with me is not your priority, it’s not your fault, it’s not my fault. but it’s my responsibility to pull away from that magnetic sexual attraction, say no reasonably, and move on. how many of us would have healthier lives and relationships if we all did this? you cannot force somebody to be what they are not. you cannot say, “because there is mutual attraction and connection, somebody needs to sacrifice their needs for the other.” that never works. you must learn to say no and move on.
also, what i have learned the most is….my values take priority over my desires. this is huge in my growth. saying no to this man is so hard, because he brings immense pleasure to me, and not shallow pleasure either, soul pleasure. but my value of needing to form an intimate bond and be made priority is more important than achieving pleasure. this is what i give and what i need to receive. and this…is harmonious reciprocity. i finally get it.
all this being realized for myself….maybe it will help you…to love yourself enough to stand up for what you need in this life, and to protect your true vision of love, whatever it might be, and to prioritize your values and desires in a way that makes sense to you, and to have the courage to hold out for your version of harmonious reciprocity.
i have faith in the right love for me…his enthusiasm to be with me and only me, his desire to create a sacred union or however he wants to call it. i know it’s real, i have seen it and i feel it in my soul. saying no makes it stronger, my dream of this. and i know too, that i need to also keep letting go of it, because i don’t want to strengthen my attachments either. this is the juggling act…to love and know myself enough to know what i need in a partner, and then to let it go, so i don’t try to possess it….but instead….give the dream space and room to grow and come into my life naturally.
it’s just so funny….after my boyfriend last year, whom i loved so intensely and deeply, where i also had to learn to say no reasonably, and where it was the hardest no i have ever had to say because of how much we loved one another……and how it took me a year to get over him enough to bring other men into my field…and then i do…it’s this string of “don’t attach to me” men, giving me the same lesson, but in a different form. does it ever end? ok guy, i wont attach to you, as you seduce me with your masculine powers. maybe i will slip and fall under your spell. but even if i do, this heart is a sealed treasure, that only one man is can open and get to…like the way Arthur pulled Excalibur out of the stone. nothing can change this. i am impervious.
so…even if it hurts to slip and fall, i still like doing it. i still like the time i get to share with these fleeting men of magic. i mean, it’s better than nothing. i don’t say that in a way that means i am accepting crumbs. just sometimes….it’s nice to drink down a glass of water in the otherwise baron desert, if you catch my drift. and also, falling down and getting back up so often has made me immune to disappointment. not a big deal. tears, anger, disappointment, another one bites the dust….move on….