last night, white cobra and i hung out at the bar that was once a mortuary, ate dinner, had a drink, and cleared trapped souls. felt like great team work, she opening the portal and me assuring the confused spirits, who were not sure that reality had moved on. felt good to be of service to the spirit world. makes me immediately think of all the people who judge me and think i am woo woo and blah blah blah, who only use their left brains, and think that what the five senses detect, is all that exists. i would like to say i don’t care, but i am not there yet. i am getting closer. the real work in cleaning the mirror of my heart, is to love “humanity”. not my friends, family, and the underdogs, or those who suffer. that’s easy. but to love those people who judge me, shun me, shut me out, believe in things that cause prejudice and perpetuate hate, keep the brainwash have and have-not system of crap going happily…you get the idea.
i grew up in the rich suburbs of dc, and as an adolescent i “hated humanity”. that was my thing. in my young hormonal suffering brain, everybody was a selfish money hungry conformist snob. i used to want to leave this world and suffered deeply through my youth, not just because of my surroundings, it wasn’t shallow, but i don’t want to get into all the things that i went through here. i blamed other people in that punk rock type of way, back then, cause that was my brainwash, to take all my feelings and channel them into how i dress and what music i listen to, so that i can outgrow it one day (yet another topic i wish to not get into here.) though i started the self work back then too, it would take me many years to get where i am today. progress is often slow. i still am in it.
rachael started a yoga and meditation class last week, and that was the first time i felt truly content to be part of a group. my heart opened. even though i have been teaching workshops for six months or so now, it’s different. when you are the one teaching, you are not in the group, it’s easier, for me to be the one outside looking in. but to immerse in a group and feel connected and happy to be a part of it…that’s a huge deal in my world. i felt the feeling of being part of a community, and it felt really good. and i realized… just how strong the pariah/outcast/misanthrope archetype has lived actively in my psyche, since i can remember. this part is dying now. maybe i need to give her a funeral? letting go of identities can be sad. we humans get attached to everything, from physical beings to archetypal forces, from objects to relics that live as memories in the heart. the great thing about the buddhist path, for me…is that is washes me clean of myself, and brings peace and inner liberation….i am grateful that my dad told me to meditate one day, and that’s how it all started.
this does not interfere with the mystical aspect of me, and neither does all the making fun and judgement i receive for my way. i don’t call it beliefs. i don’t believe in spirits, i communicate with them. i don’t believe in astrology, i experience it. i don’t believe in tarot, i use the tarot. i don’t believe in the soul, i feel the soul. my sixth sense is as sharp as my other five. this is my living breathing life experience. i never asked for it or sought it out either, i was always philosophical and mental minded. it sought me out, in a way i could not deny. i know there’s no man in the sky or fiery nether region with some fictional devil in it. yet i feel the layers of consciousness play out the drama of life, taking all these different forms, all of them conscious and sentient in their own way, all aspects of the one, playing the many. i don’t believe in this, i experience this.
i know beliefs can be strong and dangerous though. i used to believe in the cosmological things i channeled, have seen in my visioning, and that i have read in channeled and envisioned books. for this cosmological stuff pours out of me as much as it poured out the theosophist, biblical, pleaidian, and all other right brained sourced mystical writings from people…all of them sourced from people, this is the thing to keep in mind. if i put the pen to paper and let go and see with the inner eye, out pours myth. just as it did for every human who wrote every spiritual book on earth. it’s not a big deal. it’s just part of being human, to be able to do this. we are myth translators, humans. or are we myth makers? you know by now, i am always about it being both. i am not arrogant enough to think humans create all the meaning of the universe….and i feel the living myth seek me out. it’s always a mutual dance between other and self.
this does have a philosophical name: phenomenology. i guess if there’a belief i subscribe to, it would be this. but i don’t think myth is meant to be taken literally. i fell into believing in it more literally, when i first came into my capability for clairvoyant seeing and channeling, only because it can have an intoxicating effect. but then i realized, that as far as we are made of flesh and blood, and live within the confines of duality, that these cosmological stories must play the role of metaphor to be of any real use….and i guess there’s another belief cropping up…i believe in humanity before cosmology, i believe that whatever makes humans grow is more important than any cosmological story. it’s important, for the growth and evolution of life, to not skip steps. that’s the practical in me speaking.
i feel other aspects of me, being made of different substances knowing different inherent realities, living on different dimensions, have different perspectives than my human one. it’s hard to explain without sounding woo woo, and why try to explain? there is a point in the future where things change for us humans, yet we still have a memory of this place and how we are now. oh, forget it. never mind….and never mind i say to the other dimensional aspects, as well…for…i am very human, too, and respect this world of humanity and what it needs, for as much as i struggle with it. and in my buddhist way…i watch myself have all these thoughts, whether the thoughts be reactive, channeled, or inspired…they are still…just thoughts, not me. back to thoughts though, i can discern the mystical elements and know how to implement them, without destroying them. i am not binary, i am multi-dimensional. outside of myself, it’s not quite the same. mental duality is the dominant paradigm here. and it’s all so serious. i wish the seriousness would fall (she says, with seriousness). release!
anyhow….i am gonna have a funeral for the misanthrope and move on with life. also gonna keep having compassion for the judgers, who judge because they are angry at religious oppression and how using the right brain, with zero rational, has wreaked havoc on humanity. i get that. i once pushed away my right brain too. and maybe it’s not that, and they are just different than me, which is cool too. juggling all the factions…for making sure i am loving takes the stage now. screw sides, even in my urge to take one. catching myself reacting to judgement and wanting to judge back and watching the attachments wiggle while the mystical thoughts pour in from a mysterious waterfall, blending in with the reactivity…hows that for a smoothie?
letting go of it all now…rinse, lather, repeat….