talk from the gap…

not sure what to say….i am in the gap.  emptiness.  dreaming of animals almost every night.  and now of groups too.  wanting to be a part of something.  animal instincts.  our roots as humans.  way back…to the beginning of earth human time.  feeling my primordial roots here.  cellular roots, that is.  it’s all the obsidian i am wearing.  rocks are not objects.  they are alive, just like trees and other still and faceless presences.  i get defensive when people treat rocks as objects.  makes me wanna treat them like an object, to give them a taste of their own medicine.  but i understand why.  humans have lost touch with feelings and intuition to such a degree, it can be hard to feel the difference between alive and object.  although nothing is truly not alive.  everything is energy.  but sentience is a different matter all together.  i feel sentience acutely and therefor might always be judged as woo woo or crazy by those who cannot feel it.  whatever.  i don’t know why i am talking about this.  who cares.  it’s like…i really have nothing to talk about.  but then really, there is so much to talk about.  every person i know is either making a sacred bond in relationship, or ending one that lacks the harmony for the needs to be met.  i feel a lot of love and forgiveness for the men who were not “the one” to be my partner.  i don’t feel angry at them, or at what i did not get.  i feel thankful that they helped me become more clear and strong.  i miss them.  i have no male energy in my life right now, aside from okcupid.  it sucks.  i miss my male friends, too.  it’s all women in my life right now.  way off balance.  i want male friends and also a partner.  but wanting is no big deal.  oh gap, you make every want feel minimal.  it’s like, i am a rock.  just being.  humming along.  content and restless.  i keep feeling my eventual death lately.  very centered in the temporal reality of being this michelle character.  life is short.  i mean, fucking short short.  soon i will be dead.  this is why i would rather dive in, not take it slow.  move on a whim verses debate about it forever.  maybe it’s why i own hardly any things, and can pack up and leave in a moment’s notice.  maybe it’s why it’s why i cut my hair off without a care.  and why i wear mostly black.  to keep death close to my heart.  this is not some goth statement.  though…the true goths are buddhists, anyhow.  the more i feel the temporal and death close to me, the happier i feel.  this is why marriage appeals to me, because it tangos with the truth that all contracts come to an end.  and why i also secretly wish to sit under a tree for the rest of  my life, simply to make time go as slow as possible.  the other night, at dinner with a friend…i was bitching about change not coming into my life.  it was ego talk over curry.  basically i have been doing the same thing for like 20 years.  she thinks all of my moving, is change.  for people who don’t move a lot, it is change.  but to me, it’s not.  cause in each city i have done the same thing.  i live in an apartment, single, going to bars and cafes, writing, healing myself and others, blah blah blah.  the setting around me is always the same, even if it’s a different city.  differences are real in different cities, in this country, but not really.  it’s all the same, boxes selling stuff to buy and consume, people buying stuff to consume.  people yapping away about what sucks and is good in their heads.  people striving for more.  hustling and bustling.  it’s all the same really.  this is what i have learned.  the only things that would change my twenty year cycle….would be a long term partner, moving out of the deep city, having an animal, leaving this country, becoming part of an ashram or an off grid community, and then there are many tragic things that could happen, but i’ll keep away from that for this blog.  anyhow, i am ready for a big change.  doing the same thing for twenty years gets old.  this michelle character is due for new learning experiences.  and that’s the paradox of it all.  that life is short, and death is close, yet some patterns seem to never end.  but that’s just me feeling dramatic.   no matter what, i will take with me the basics when i leave this pattern and when i leave this body.  those basics of being here for everyone and all of life, being love, and being connected with and as spirit, are deathless and who i really am.  other than that, my baggage is light, and costumes are many.  even if the trauma of my past and past lives feels like feathers now.  the scales of justice are balancing out because love makes everything weigh the same….is how it feels today….