watching anger arise for the injustices of the world. reading fancy food revues about ingredients i cannot even pronounce, while thinking about people who don’t have enough to eat. talking on the iphone while feeling upset that it’s made by workers treated like slaves. wondering if the cheap shirt i am wearing (all i can afford) was also made my by workers treated like slaves. noticing the cognitive dissonance in american culture. how we all partake of the complicity even though we have loving hearts. i see why. i see how it would take all of us uniting to stop the selfish overlords running the show, creating the great have/have-not divide. i cannot figure out how to unite people. and i don’t want to be an isolate of society. so i partake of the complicity silently, doing my best to be aware, to own very little, and to stay out of cognitive dissonance as much as i can by knowing that what i am partaking of, is wrong and unjust. it’s hard, and i wish i knew how to unite people and be a good leader. but i don’t. i only know awareness and love. leader, where are you? surrendering deeper into the reality of my present moment. the sickness finally gone. feeling clean inside. the flames of desire on low. not wanting to fan them. creating romantic moments alone. watching the sunset from my open window, holding stones in my hands, feeling the silence of the land. enjoying the quiet of being with nature, even in the city. the hill is not uber city. not like new york. tons of trees, flowers, and nature pop up everywhere. after living in new york, the hill is like the shire. though i do crave to escape my present, not gonna lie. i want to open my door and see trees only. no buildings. just for a morning. and just for one night, i want to sit under the black sky filled with stars, and not hear the sound of smokers and drinkers near by. i know that these desires for more nature are valid…and i also know that i am working on being content with the present. the latter outweighs the former. it’s the spiritual work. the dna healing. this mullein essence i am taking is having a powerful effect on me. last night i dreamed about being a voice for girls. my urges for the hearts of every human, are rising. i know being a vibration of love and peace does a lot, simply being an of anchor energy. yet i feel to do more….and i feel helpless about it. maybe i dreamed about being a voice for girls cause i feel so much helplessness to effect change in the world, like a brainwashed girl…overly focused on boys and shit like that, not knowing how to be a strong voice. oh life, make me a pearl. see, the flames of desire, they are not low, they’ve just transferred over into the humanity department. but this department is why i am here. or maybe i am also here to love a boy too. nothing is worse than a humanitarian whose got a chip on their shoulder cause their personal life is lacking. it’s just as bad as a self centered american, blind to all other humans but themselves and those they love. the middle, the middle. my forever path. i realize that the path of buddha is my soul path. the older i get, the more i leave behind engaging the story to heal it. i remember, when living in new york city, where i came into the path for the first time, even though i knew about it for years prior….that the first or second time i meditated, i had this beginners luck thing happen…a miracle of sorts….where within minutes of going into meditation, i found myself in my breath, saw my thoughts as not me, and that was it, the stories all diminished at once. i knew. and even when i get sucked back in, i still know, because the experience imprinted in my heart, cells, soul. it’s like when kd talks about chanting on and on for maharahi, bored, until the day he finally saw the thoughts come to him, versus him being his thoughts thinking. it’s this life changing moment. because suddenly thoughts are reduced to peas on a plate, handed to you by some mysterious giver. even the thoughts that have made up your identity. and even weirder, when these thoughts are let go of, the past vanishes. this life, past lives, every life. it’s some form of alchemy to vanish all time but the now, by letting go of thoughts, and being pure awareness. fucking hard to keep it up, too. couple this with the thick roaring love rushing in like a waterfall, from that same mysterious giver, during a chant, or being in nature….and there’s nothing else left to do. for me, anyhow. we all have our own ways. i honor the variety. the sky looks heavy again today, like it’s being lulled and subdued. another wet sky in soggy seattle. where often it feels like you are walking inside of the sea….