buckets and buckets of bhakti….

surrender.  i am not my thoughts.  solitude.  slowness.  wishing to be a sloth.  sickness wakes up the soul, being, awareness…whatever you wanna call it.  krishna das, maharaji, hanuman, the sun, the galaxy, the universe, life, love.  coursing through me.  feminine energy healing.  moonstone.  sensitivity.  dreams of anger at night.  ego screaming for her mental plight.  the story of pain.  of loss and gain.  can’t play this game.  choose not to.  goodbye game.  all signs point to within.  next of kin.  his love never leaves.  once you grab his hand, he never lets go.  even when you let go.  but i grab it again.  safe place.  mastering paddling a canoe through a tsunami.  leaping over the sea to save the feminine.  i am she.  in the gap of emptiness.  without ego’s accouterments.  nihilistic plastic bobble floats away in the sea-storm.  needs wash ashore like dead jelly fish.  no needs.  all needs met.  by love.  crying while watching reruns of beverly hills 90210.  wishing for innocence.  to go back and do it again.  with what i know now.  goodbye regret.  give it to maharaji.  he says “attachment”.  we are laughing.  the lovers card.  choices about love.  i choose to be honored.  i choose to honor.  discernment.  a feminine lesson.  different than the masculine lesson.  the masculine and feminine course through man and woman equally.  masculine learns to care about the feelings of others.  feminine learns to discern.  to not give all her power away.  masculine learns to share his power.  saying no has been hard.  but i did it.  there is nowhere to go.  but the present.  hare rama rama ram sita rama rama ram.  forgetting self in the chant.  overtaken by who i really am.  slippers and sweat pants.  tea and garnet.  books everywhere.  strewn.  twelve tarot decks all saying the same thing.  sneezing.  creative awakenings.  april is the ashram.  until it isn’t.  no more absolutes.  his hand the comfort.  even though his body is dead (supposedly).  his presence is everywhere.  hold me maharaji.  in your love.  in our love.  in love.  bhakti bellowing.  inside the belly of a whale.  the tale of this michelle life.  her east coast american emotions.  her storms and lessons.  her dna.  outside the sky is brownish grey.  how did i get here?  to seattle.  in a nest in the sky.  typing to stay alive. in human form.  this temporary world.  i adorn.