second day in….

the solitude has been good for me.  needed it.  craving it.  more of it.  but tomorrow it stops.  not all the way better, have a little fever now, but i should be fine by tomorrow.  keywords for this lunar eclipse full moon: surrender, solitude, release.  bought a book of short stories by ann beattie.  loving her writing about the struggle and ordinariness of life and love.  always holds a special place in my heart.  forgot how much i love the short story.  remembering when i went to beloit college, and how i studied literature, enthralled and absorbed.  went by the college today, on a slow sun walk to get pho, and missed being in school.  the craving is for quiet study, involvement in writing on a deeper level.  do you ever crave quiet?  i do.  listening to the chant is quiet too.  the quiet is not silence per se.  it’s the feeling of order, connection, purity, love in its right place.  the romantic love part of my life has never been quiet.  it’s always been a hurt chaotic place.  by chaos i mean, discordance.  feel like i have had enough.  walking away.  heart hurting.  which is ok.  great thing about spiritual practice is it allows me to be ok with whatever is happening.  you wont hear me say this while i am storming, but the storms, they come and go, and my eyes stay open through them.  i walk into them willingly.  who i am is not chosen by me.  i simply have learned to love and accept who i am, which is given to me, by the mysterious other….call the mysterious other what you will, god, goddess, nature, life, source, spirit, doesn’t matter.  but it’s been given to me, who i am.  deeper layers of surrender are happening.  the future is not there to distract like a used car salesman scam.  the past is a water color painting left out in the rain.  pleasure and pain twinkle like sunlight glistening off starfish.  i remain open to whatever life will be next and focus on the now.  some people say you have to envision what you want and go after it.  not me.  i don’t envision anything on the outside.  i have no idea about that stuff.  i feel within, and know what is true and harmonious.  if it is harmonious, i go forward with it.  if it isn’t, i say no.  sometimes i knee jerk out of fear and say no by mistake.  sometimes i act from old patterns and say yes by mistake.  live and learn.  fall and get back up.  being human is somewhat predictable.  i do know the feeling of right place though, when i am paying attention.  i know when something in my life is no longer working.  my mind’s been boggled from living in the same apartment for four years.  never in my adult life have i lived anywhere more than two years, and that was just once…all the other times, one year or six months.  this does not mean i cannot commit though.  i do what feels right.  i could live in one place for twenty years, i could be with one man for the rest of my life, i could sit under a tree till the day i die.  it’s not about amounts.  it’s about quality of experience…if growth keeps happening.  do you want to remain in a place or a relationship where you are no longer growing?  what if you removed your crutches, addictions, and leaning on things that are blocking your growth, to come out of the stagnation comfort zone?  facing fear gets less scary each time.  the sun is setting over the city.  colors of peach, slate blue, cream, and dusty brown.  a seagull flies by.  coughing, i take a sip of tea, happy to get the chance to dwell in this quiet, pure sobriety of thought and spirit, naked and clean…