delusional colored glasses, ebb and flow, and the sanctity of trees….

another round of sinking into the dark sea of dark feelings and coming out of them.  not even thought addiction, this time.  just a low that hits like a storm.  body gets tired, feelings are heavy, sorrow rains…and rains…and rains.  the story is there, looming, and i see it, know it: the holy grail quest for romantic love and sexual healing, yin-yang balance, and true love meaning.  but i know it’s a story, even if it impregnates the dark ebbing cycle with more sorrow….the sorrow is there, still, without the story.  sometimes i don’t know if it’s chemical depression, or triggered by experience.  soul sister says it’s triggered.  i think so.  because truth is, the unconscious, like the wizard of oz old man behind the curtain, is creating everything.  not the conscious.  consciously i can be like, “yeah, everything’s fine, my heart is light, i am expanding my horizons,” and unconsciously i am like, “i deserve nothing more than crumbs, so i will take the crumbs.”  this is the trigger.  right?  yes.  i know it is.  then the dark storm hits like a tsunami and i wake up one morning feeling like my bones are made of lead and my heart is a sunken and forgotten treasure chest from ten thousand years ago.  this is why pain is my teacher.  without it, i could not peer into the oracle of my unconscious, where truth is.  and what is truth?  what is really happening.  the old man behind the curtain is feeble and insecure, but he paints his magnificent oz.  the delusion.  my delusion colored glasses.  for as long as pain expresses itself in the physical reality of my life, i know my unconscious thoughts are still attached to feelings of unworthiness, and other self focused ideas.  recognize.  this time around, in my dark storm, i felt it so hard core, that i needed to romanticize the nihilist in order to save myself.  sure, i could have chanted more, gone to yoga more, but i wasn’t able to.  unconditional love says, if romanticizing the darkness is the best i could do to not cause damage, that’s great.  if taking dark selfies, writing dark lyrics, drinking one too many, one too many nights in a row, and feeling like i am nothing more than a quick particle witness blipping through meaningless time, is what it took to not sink deeper into the attachment of worthlessness, i’ll take it.  incremental progress.  sense of humor.  this time around, for as dark as i got, i still knew the storm would pass, that it’s a delusion, and not to believe in it.  i still listened to sita-ram each day, and felt that bliss of oneness course through my heart too.  it took getting to vajra yesterday, to fully transition back into the light again.  vajra is a truly a temple of equanimity.  it’s the place where bad and good dissipate in the face of loving reality.  the power of temples and ashrams is real (and it can be a store too).  been feeling lately, that i want to take a journey to an ashram and immerse for a week or two or three, or maybe even a month, or a season.  i don’t know where or for how long, i only know it feels right and that i am thirsty for it.  there’s two other teachers i listen to, bhakti lalita devi dasi and tara brach.  these two women along with kd, are my holy trinity of teachers.  i guess this path is the core path for me.  i am mystical too, not just eastern with it all.  been taking a break from traveling into the other dimensions.  but i miss it.  i can only saturate in the third dimension for so long before i get the travel bug.  wanting back into the fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh houses.  wanting to immerse in an ashram some place meant to be.  letting go for the millionth time of the story of sexual and romantic love pain, knowing it is just a story.  fulling knowing this in my heart today.  feeling liberated.  getting ready for yoga in a few.  haven’t been the past two days, in my storm, not wanting to practice.  this reminds me of jumping into a hot pool, then a cold one, and how that strengthens the immune system.  sara made a great analogy to amber being the immune system of a tree.  i have been smearing amber resin over my heart each day, needing it.  my medicine, the tree.  understandable.  i always felt that trees head’s are their roots, and that they dove into the earth in a tree storm a million bazillion years ago.  their feet are the leaves, branches their legs, arms, and many limbs…like the many limbs of the blue skinned gods and goddesses.  physical lineage of spiritual ancestry is found in and as nature.  today perhaps, i will go sit in mamma, the tree at volunteer park.  coming back from the dark, back into the light, learning that i am the ebb and flow of nature, the moon’s cycles, the sea…