exuberance report on always being broken….

haven’t blogged in so long because my internet’s been down and i have not made time in the cafes.  ok, i realize just how hooked on the internet i am.  going to sleep in utter silence, not with headphones and videos, was so challenging the first night, that i dreamed about how i needed to detox from emf rays and technology.  now my internet is fixed, thank you jim.  i am so happy about it, and yet i feel a bit shitty about feeling good about it.  i miss the days before the internet and i love the internet.  both.  no matter which way you cut it, i always have two feelings on every topic.  a soul mate has been making me see this.  what is a soul mate you ask?  we have many of them, they are mates of the soul…those we’ve shared past lives with, those who come from the same soul-pod as us (whatever this means, makes no difference to me, i just feel it) and when a soul mate enters your life, it’s always for a reason…to help you grow, show you a lesson, love you, or whatever else.  it’s always an intense and powerful connection, friendship or romantic, and even if you don’t stay in each other’s lives, the connection is never broken.  thankful right now, because i am really seeing my attachments.  how i think things should be based on what i want in life, this is an attachment.  not that i will stop creating the life i want.  a sculptor needs to know what she is creating, and should create the work of art her heart wants.  i am simply removing the attachment to the creation i want, and opening to all forms of beauty.  awareness is also coming through learning about the hindu goddess akhilandeshveri, which literally translates to “never not broken goddess”.  we are never not broken because oneness is fragmented out into all the forms and we are all the forms….forever. it’s hard to explain, but i have had a huge shift of perception….knowing mentally for some time now, that there is no real point of arrival, and finally feeling it in my heart, as truth.  it’s not like a relationship with a man, artistic success, or even inner healing will bring me to a place of static wholeness inside, which is the point of arrival i speak of.  this static wholeness we all seek, is an illusion.  i will always be longing.  all of us will always be longing.  as krishna das said, “longing is all we have”.  the longing for static wholeness, is inherent in being human, because underneath being separate forms, we are all one, and yet we cannot get back to being the one, and the one doesn’t want us to, the one and us are the same but must stay different and separate, for this is life.  it’s a deep mystery you can only feel, not understand with logic.  and longing is the emotion that reflects this mystery.  longing is also the emotional impetus to why we desire to spiritually commune, fall in love with a partner, and develop talents to give to the world and be somebody in the world important.  but there is no arrival point underneath the longing.  if you obtain any of the things, you will only find yourself wanting the next thing.  only the longing for more is begotten from longing, because the longing is eternal and endless.  i love this!  this makes me happy!  i feel so free!   in joe bar right now, and they are playing an album that reminds of living in san francisco.  tegan and sara, old stuff.  brings me back to the feeling i had there….a perpetual longing on hyper drive.  that city sparked my passionate nature.  the beach colored buildings, always blue sky, light that seemed like it was trapped inside of a quartz crystal.   i miss it, even though it was a fucked up year.  what a great fucked up year it was.  i don’t need things to be comfortable, smooth, or understandable in my life, to feel happy.  i don’t need life to be secure, to feel peace.  or maybe the security i feel, is being held by the universe itself.  who knows.  i don’t really care why.  clarity is knowing that love is all i got.  and i’ve a ton of love to give….