little buddha learning her lessons…

the pele report said march was gonna be boot camp for the soul, and boy am i feeling this.  coming back to seattle, a lesson is appearing strong…

external life is a mirror of the internal life.  when something happens in your life, it is revealing what is happening within your psyche.

currently, i am being shown defeat within my psyche, so i can let defeat go…for you can only let go once you are aware of something in the first place.

the funny thing about humans, is we are conceptual by nature.  everything we do has a concept about it, with an entire set of reasoning, ethics, morals, and beliefs to back up the way we live our lives.  it’s sorta ridiculous and can be either beautiful or ugly.  it’s ugly when it’s oppressive, repressing, tyrannical, cruel, ignorant…and when it is these things, it’s usually unconscious.

most people would not admit to being these things.  a fundamentalist christian would not admit, “i am prejudice against gays,” they would say, “god says that marriage is for a man and woman only.”  even a murderer would find his own rational for the act of killing.

well…these are extreme examples, but we do the same thing with ourselves all the time, and it’s called the shadow.  we conceptualize what hurts, and it becomes a more complex structure.  sadness, hurt, and anger becomes the more complex structure of defeat, low self esteem, guilt, etc.

humans have a hard time just feeling the feeling until it passes…the way mother earth does.  she storms.  she tornadoes.  she snows.  she lightnings.  she earth quakes.  she volcanos.  but do you think she is judging herself for this?  telling herself that she is bad, and life is being bad to her when she has a huge thunderstorm?  no, she does what she does.

all of physical life is riddled with tension.  this is the darkness humans speak of.  we take what hurts, what is scary, what creates death, and we turn it into something bad and evil, through conceptualizing.  you can conceptualize what hurts into a devil who runs a place called hell.  or you can conceptualize by turning your sorrows and anger into low self worth, defeat, etc, as mentioned above.

concepts come from the mind.  feelings nest in the heart.  humans are designed to take what they feel and turn it into a concept.  and they will either internalize or externalize the concept.

yesterday i saw my concept of defeat arise, in many forms.  in a date where i really had a good time, but did not feel the romance, where the sentence, “it just never works out for me,” appeared, as i pondered him and the last two men where it was not aligned to turn into a relationship.

then at work, i made a mistake. one i am usually careful about not making.  and when that happened, defeat sizzled through my being, because i was already struggling prior to work.  had to work hard to not buy into the story of defeat, as my entire system was flooded with the sentence, “i am bad”.

by the time night came, i understood that the day was a gift, because i was being shown that this defeat concept is still running its program inside of me.

what to do about it?

awareness is beginning to dissolve it.  i am bringing love to myself.  gratitude that i am being shown the defeat program, helps a lot too.  but mostly it’s awareness.  for once you see the truth, the mask falls off…like seeing the little old man behind the curtain in the wizard of oz.

i really saw it yesterday, how when i feel sad, when things don’t go well, i blame myself, i think i am bad, and i run a defeat program.  this stops now.

by not running the defeat program, i allow myself to feel my vulnerability.

for this is another thing about the concepts…they come in almost like a drug to take you away from the vulnerable feeling.  telling myself i am a bad person, is much less vulnerable feeling, than just feeling sad that things did not go right.

why is this?  because concepts are not feelings.  they stop the feeling.

try is next time.  when something in your life triggers you into feeling upset.  see what concept you wrap around your upset feeling.  and then take that concept off the feeling, and just feel the feelings.  it’s way more vulnerable to feel the feeling.

concepts, even if dark, such as “i am bad” or “they are bad” or “life is shit” or “people suck” or whatever “dark” concept you have wrapped around your upset is…puts a shell around the feeling and makes you not feel it.

when you feel it, it’s so intense and scary.  and when you think about it, this underlies all the fucked up shit in the world, within families, and within the self.  we are all terrified of our own feelings, need to put concepts around these feelings to cope, and these concepts create all the suffering.

for the concept of defeat is what perpetuates defeat in my life, not feeling sad cause i messed up or things are not working for me.  same goes with all of human life…because feelings pass through like weather, but concepts stick and create programs.  and this is how we create our reality.

what we tell ourselves, based on what we feel, becomes the program we run.

the will attaches to the mental program and makes it so.  but it’s so unconscious nobody realizes they are responsible for making their reality happen.  until you do realize it, and use reason to untangle the chaos that is the self, running a program unconsciously.  and this is what i am doing, and what i have done for years, to heal.  it’s very powerful.  if you need an example of this work working, look to me.

what i am describing has been explained infinite times through buddhism.  nothing new here.  ancient wisdom this is.  i am just giving the wisdom my own language.

seattle brings me back to deep awareness as usual, it’s like the bodhi tree for me, where i sit and observe what is really happening, underneath the concepts…