ode to the unknown and other blurts…

last night in vegas.  it always goes by so quick.  had no deep thoughts whatsoever this week.  no intense feelings of bliss, love, or magic.  very neutral.  a buddhist week.  with one night of passionate anger at my upset tummy and intense sorrow for humanity.  oh right, and that first night, where i felt worried that i was making all the wrong choices because i keep having very little money, no worldly success, or luck in love.  but i have been on that ride so often, it’s become a boring sitcom.  the anxiety comes and goes.  everyone i know has it in varying degrees.  no big deal.  observing myself.  observing discernment.  when to say no.  when to say yes.  open to new energies.  ready for what is fresh.  dead set on what i want, like a jockey riding a horse in the best race of my life, but in a soulful way, like the two have merged within, ego and soul…no distinction is needed.  feel also in pieces.  like the thread to all the aspects of my life has unraveled.  i’ve eaten a lot of shrimp this week, and feel small like an ocean creature.  compassion for loneliness.  compassion for not enough time in the day.  the cruelty of how the older you get, the faster time goes, and the more there is to care take, more tasks.  focused on being generous of spirit, direct, honest, and freed of creating regret.  i don’t know how to bring home the bacon, but i do know how to love.  eventually love might bring bacon home.  vegetarian bacon at that.  krishna das keeps me open.  i surrender to love and learn how to be brave.  discernment is a hard lesson.  but it’s getting easier, i listen to my intuition, which is never wrong.  some people doubt their intuition because they think that pain and loss means they fucked up.  not true.  divorce, break-ups, losing, death…none of this is wrong.  there’s an assumption that success equals a smile, a gold star on a report card, and applause, and something everlasting. not true.  success is staying open to love, to keep growing, being true to yourself and your way.  life will bring every experience, and then some.  we are here to learn.  i am learning that in the realm of romantic love, you cannot compare yourself to other couples and what they go through or what makes them work or not work, you cannot trust sexual attraction to be an indicator of a good partnership, and you have to stay honest even when the chemical reactions are making your eyes swirl, and your perception turn into whatever it wants to see, to keep those chemicals firing.  religious people feel this way about jesus, god, mary, or whomever their god is, in the same way one falls in love with a mate.  the chemicals, they fire, and when they do, we think truth is happening.  but thing is, chemicals are not things.  they are not objects.  chemicals exist beyond the five senses.  they are sentient and conscious.  whomever assumes that what is true can only be detected with the five senses of one type of species of life, is just as delusional as the person who thinks a man in the sky is rewarding, and a pitchfork horned fallen creature is punishing.  and this is no different than when i fall in love with a man.  it’s our darn religious bubbles at work again.  our objective reality is created by our feelings created by our chemicals created by consciousness, on and on.  it’s a process, a conveyor belt, and an hourglass.  don’t worry, i am not cynical.  i think it’s beautiful, how delusional we all are.  humans are poets and myth makers.  we make it all up, but life is also making us all up.  it’s both.  life is creating us just as much as we are creating life.  currently, we need to keep re-creating good verses evil myths because we have not yet learned how to love unconditionally.  we want one mate for the rest of our lives because we are afraid of impermanence, and also, it’s romantic, and makes life easier….and for as much as i know all of this stuff we create with our minds are only stories….i am here to create them, i want to create them, i like creating them.  i want to be with one man till i die.  that would be awesome.  i want to talk to the blue people and channel the seventh dimension.  don’t care if you think i am woo woo.  i want to wear lipstick and drink martinis.  it feels good to be a city person too.  i want to enjoy being a woman while i can, how lucky to have this body, even with all of the pain that comes with it.  both pleasure and pain will happen.  and then i will die.  the creature will be gone.  will i come back here?  no, i saw the future.  but i have been around the block.  this blog is not trying to wrap anything up.  just finished watching tv with my mom.  we played scrabble earlier.  the first word that showed up with my first pick of seven letters was “quest”.  joseph campbell explains it best.  making a myth is what we are doing.  i am also aware enough to say i don’t know what we are doing.  i might be a master of transmuting energy and and self awareness but i don’t know much, and happy about it. if i ever say i know it all, please slap me.  this is not an attempt to play humble the way a dog rolls over for a treat.  it’s more a testament to mystery and an ode to the unknown.  i leave vegas with a new-found love for not knowing, and for the vastness…clapping for silence….ready for the next chapter to begin…