catharsis tuesday written from the plane…

i’m on a plane headed back home to seattle, missing new york city.  i need to make a trip back.  somehow.  today, everything changed.  i realized all at once, in a lightning flash, as it always is with me, that my scales are tipped too heavily in the direction of the mystical, feminine, healing, deep, serious, and cosmic areas.  this is much of why i am missing new york.  there i made comedy videos.  there i took pictures of the tangible and every day.  i was inspired to take pictures there.  i was inspired to make comedy.  my spirituality was just as strong as in seattle, but it was more buddhist, less mystical.  although i contain both (always both), different places bring out different aspects.  i had a tremendous amount of solitude there, which was good for my creativity.  had all the time in the world to make art.  i miss that.  this does not mean i don’t love being a priestess at the shop where i work, and love being part of that family.  again, it’s the both thing.  and i am craving change.  i don’t know what the change is.  i cannot afford to move back to new york city anyhow.  who knows where the next place is.  maybe i stay right here in seattle, and keep being a priestess at the shop, but start making comedy videos and taking more pictures. visit new york.  travel more.  maybe being in a relationship is the change coming.  what i know for sure though, is that i need a new home, i need to make comedy videos, and i need to take pictures.  for a part of me is a photographer, an actress, light-hearted, interested in capturing what is visible.  i used to call this part of me, manopa.  manopa is the muse returning.  it began with looking at pictures from an okcupid interest, that inspired me.  that’s all it took.  he opened a floodgate.  now, my brain is on fire.  so, instead of steeping in longing for something gone and done, it is best to bring those elements back i have missed.  i don’t need to be in new york to access that part of me.  (hopefully.)  i know it’s important to direct the flow of energy as much as it is to surrender into the flow.  the latter is my comfort zone, so i want to work on the former.  finding a partner and making art takes priority over where i live.   let where i live be determined by bigger priorities.  i cannot control when love happens, but i can control making art.  therefor, the reasonable thing to do, is to take my camera with me everywhere, again, and make a new comedy video, in the next month.  i will need to create more time for art in a busier schedule than i had in new york.  i will need more structure.  only then can i surrender the rest of myself into the flow, and allow life to direct me.  it’s a whole new me.  no more running off to a new land on pure soul impulse.  activating a more mature level of achieving goals.  youth is over, and i am happy i got it all out of my system.  new york isn’t all that either.  i mean, it’s also dirty, expensive, has the worst air quality, and you can’t get an ounce of quiet.  anyhow, there’s good and bad to every place, and i just need to say what needs to be said to be in the now moment.  it’s not about the place right now.  it’s about art and love.  might as well tattoo these two words on my body.  art and love.

i realized something about love this morning too.  i finally feel protective over myself.  can you believe that?  i know it sounds crazy, but being a free spirit who had a rough upbringing can create a certain recklessness in the realm of love, no matter how much knowledge is gained, because the unconscious keeps repeating old patterns.  but the pattern has evaporated.  this time, i will make sure that all of who i am is accepted and loved.  i will not mold myself, hide myself, give myself away, or apologize for who i am.  i know it’s not about liking everything about another person.  you gotta be realistic.  but i am not talking about basics here.  i got the basics.  this is more about wanting to be loved for all of who i am, not just a pretty face, magical mojo, giving nature.  i am a lot of person, deep, intense, vast, so be it.   i know i have said this stuff before, but still, when love entered, i’d toss it to the back of my heart and do whatever it took to hold onto that love.  let’s just say i know what denial is.  we all have our shadow side.  glad i know mine.  and give it love.  the cool thing about being love, is you don’t need to seek it outside of yourself.  i have krishna das to thank for showing me the way.  that was the missing piece.  i kept searching for home outside of myself.  not any longer.  it’s a vulnerable thing to admit, but what’s awesome about admitting vulnerabilities is how good it feels.  i am free of masks and the need for approval (mostly…or often enough).  perhaps because i have reached a zenith with healing and growing within, i am calling out for manopa to return.  that craving to capture human beings, this planet, the outside, the external, the physical, the tangible, the beauty of this temporal existence.  it’s almost like, the eternal has become boring.  too much focus on anything makes it lose its luster.  in new york, i was continually moved by the temporal.  decaying buildings.  frail bones using canes.  the blind man with his little radio, holding a cup, for hours, trying to make a buck.  the flight of a duck over green water.  trash fallen in subway tracks.  overgrown grass in a vacant lot.  the swell of imperfect bodies dotting coney island’s shore.  fascination for what lives and dies.  for the physical eyes.  feeling oneness, the eternal, happy to be here for a limited time only.  and my homage to oneness, giving these pictures, giving humor, giving light.  a lust for the camera returns.  the pendulum swings.  my heart churns.

change…