so last night the cooks made me gluten pizza by mistake and i got a bowling ball sitting in my stomach (still a day later). was angry about it, not the mistake they made, but about how my tummy felt. so i vented awkwardly…and lets just say, i miss new york city, where you can vent all you want, and not threaten anybody with your emotions. i match so well with the new york city temperament. afterward we watched “the book thief”, and i balled my eyes out, in a heap of sorrow for all those who suffered from world war two. and it felt so uncomfortable to cry, cause my family could not really handle it. they are not big on emotionally expressing, like i am.
i went to be bed feeling insecure, but did not make a big deal out of it, cause i know they love me, and i knew by morning the feelings would be gone. again, i think back to new york city, where it’s normal to vent, cry, express feelings overtly, talk loudly, be passionate, and nobody thinks twice about it. i fit in there. i miss feeling like i fit in. though in seattle, i fit in because i am mystical, magical and sensitive as well, and new york city knows little of this. in nyc, what you see is what you get, the surface is everything. i guess i am just a hybrid of both places. half of me is seattle, the other half is new york city.
i keep attracting the wrong men too, men who are threatened by my passion and emotions and don’t vibe with this part of me. hopefully this stops now. i think it’s a polarity thing. i think they are so attracted to me because i am filled with a lava like passion that they want sexually, but not what it comes along with it…the emoting, the expressing of strong feelings, the strong personality, the artist feeling it all. and it just does not work out for me, to be wanted in one way, and not wanted in another. i think back to my friend’s lover’s definition of true love being that all of who you are is celebrated, accepted and nurtured. this is what feels good to me.
i am very rational too, a philosopher at heart, a healer seeing through the thicket of feelings, but as i always mention, i am about being both. being rational does not mean not being emotional. both sides of my brain are activated. i am very heady and very emotional. i am peaceful and stormy. i keep getting this thing from guys where it’s about having to be one or the other. i wonder if i am so flexible physically because i am so flexible mentally and emotionally. i can vent my anger and at the same time rationally know i am venting. i can cry my eyes out and rationally know i am crying to get the feelings out.
people don’t understand emotions, a lot of the time. they think it’s bad to feel. our culture promotes the repression of feelings, and prefers cool masks and constant smiles. this culture is scared of tears and anger, and all emotions other than joy or prideful happiness. but emoting all feelings is healthy, and in some cultures, appreciated (like latin culture, new york city culture, etc). not everyone emotes strongly though, or has strong feelings. some people are more mild emotionally, by nature. that’s cool. differences of temperament are a real thing, and all good.
the only problem is when either you repress your feelings on one end of the spectrum…or you take emoting too far, for instance, being violent when angry, blaming when upset, or falling into self pity when sad. without self awareness, emoting can lead to abuse, suffering, and unhealthy chaos. but when the emotions are expressed in their pure state, without the stories wrapped around them, without losing control of healthy boundaries, it’s fine. it’s just a temperament.
my family does not share my temperament, so i know when i emote strongly, as i did yesterday, to not engage them in it. they are blood, so i ask nothing from them, other than to keep loving me. though it can be a challenge to not feel insecure, i do my best to stay level headed and not take it personally. as far as partnership, i don’t want to be with a man like my family’s temperament, i don’t want to make my partner uncomfortable. i want to be with a partner who can handle me, wants to handle me, and is not threatened by me…because i take good care of myself to be responsible for my passionate nature. it’s not toxic, it’s just me. i want to be with a man that makes me feel like new york city makes me feel. a match where i am understood. even better if he likes it. and best if we are balancing for one another.
i have spent years fine tuning myself, learning how to express without blaming myself or others. i am a master of self awareness at this point. i cannot lose myself in a strong attraction, after all of this hard work. my intention is to be smart about love. i have to keep saying no to those who don’t vibe on my temperament, no matter how much love is there. not exactly sure who is the yes man yet. i have an inkling he is earthy, for the rocks hold up the waterfall. earth and water work nice together. but he also could be fiery, and hence understand my fire. maybe he is earthy and fiery, to my watery fire. but i am also very airy. i dunno. i just know what does not work.
it’s funny how in new york city, this is not a thing that stands out, my temperament. i keep thinking back to being there, as a source of comfort. i miss it for that reason. i miss being able to feel accepted for my essential nature, even if the mystical element did not totally fit in. it didn’t not fit in either. cause in new york, you can be anything you want. nostalgia. hunger. wanting. you could say i am weary from misfires. i don’t blame anybody. attractions are innocent. i have a mojo about me, too.
thing is…i am hyper aware of an ancestral pattern i wont repeat. i would rather be alone for the rest of my life, than be with the wrong person. i keep learning from my mistakes and holding out for what matters most to my heart. i believe in the power of love, cause it’s already inside of me…and as the eagles once sang, “i’ve got a peaceful easy feeling, and i know you wont let me down, cause i’m already standing, on the ground.”