afternoon paragraph…

i’ve had a tummy ache on and off for the past two days.  the energy of vegas feels dense.  i cannot get in touch with the layers of reality beyond the physical.  on a good note, i have been working out a lot, and i am having a really wonderful time with family.  my heart is filled with emotions right now.  about love.  about family.  about death.  about regret.  about honesty.  about boundaries.  about clearing my ancestral wounds.  i feel it all.  i feel my great great great great great grandmother’s anger and repression.  i feel the fear of life moving on, loss, death, and aging.  i feel the way we are forced to let go on a daily basis, because of the temporal nature of this earthly realm.  i feel the vulnerability underneath the cool facades.  i feel the tenderness of human life.  i feel the florescent lights at the fancy gym.  i feel the harshness of television voices.  i feel the moon beating in my heart as if it were my heart.  i feel the way time moves so quickly.  i feel my desire for partnership squeeze itself in between everything else i am feeling…which feels like a crowded bus headed to nowhere but here.  i feel so much i cannot focus on tomorrow.  my focus is on feeling.  i am a snail.  an oyster.  everything raw, wet, small, and inside the sea.  i don’t feel sad, or upset, or worried.  i don’t feel doubt or inner conflict stirring.  that mental story is draining out of me.  a strong trust swaddles my heart in a wool blanket.  or protects me like a shell around a mollusk.  no mistakes have been made.  all wounds have led to illumination and grace.  compassion rains.  though there’s still a sarcastic tone, still an edge.  it’s not like i am becoming too sensitive to joke about the bullshit, stand up for what is wrong, put lipstick on and enjoy the night, steep in complexities.  but something is shifting.  i got no time to be worried, no time to be doubtful, no time to hesitate, no time to be confused.  time is running out.  those mental states no longer barrier me from intimacy. i am ready to be vulnerable to such a degree with life, friends, family, partner, myself, all people, that it washes away the deception of doubt, confusion, and even insecurities.  for what is an insecurity?  just another costume hiding intimacy.  and what is intimacy?  being close, being real, being open, letting love all the way through, in, and out.  this urgency and desire is taking me over.  to love.  i am washing myself clean of myself.  there is no more me from yesterday, and tomorrow has not happened yet, at least not from this human linear perspective.  i sit here on the couch, wearing a new shirt with horses on it, alive.  finished lunch with my family.  the tv is on in the other room.  we all watch screens.  so what.  i cannot affirm the negative anymore.  balance is the goal and reminder.  not this is bad-that is bad all the time.  enough with what is bad.  my brain needs new.  i am so friggen emotional.  a tidal wave.  listening to videos on my laptop, tearing up with every melody.  beautiful feelings.  the sun making want to cry, because i cannot believe i am here, beneath it, alive.  the stars know so much more, and they remind me of this every night.  humbled by the vastness, and also shining with immense power.  a superhero and a marigold flower.  both.  always both.  free will and surrender.  dependence and independence.  reason and magic.  science and mysticism.  east and west.  black and white.  words and silence.  crashing of illusion and building of illusion.  missing seattle.  tiny old beautiful home with stellar view.  wanting change as much as i appreciate where i am.  planning and acting on a whim.  taking it slow and moving quickly.  feeling simple and knowing it’s tricky.  the mundane nestled softly inside the profound….most of my thoughts i’m not sharing out loud…