cat on a hot stucco roof…

did you feel the full moon yesterday?  i sure did.  not in a way where i can put words to the feeling…as it was all feeling, coursing through me, a slow rumble, lava-like.  my sister and i went to an 80 minute hot power yoga class, right when the moon went full exact, and both of us felt like fainting, we barely made it through.  the entire day was spent indulging in a certain fatigue and out-of-it-ness, as we went to lunch, with every bite of the sushi roll, looking at things in stores, watching screens, eating homemade quinoa pasta dinner, going for coffee, and coming back to the screen, until sleep finally ended the day.  spent hours on okcupid.  i am really opening now, due to needing out of the ashram.  i feel like i am in love school.  it’s a bit strange to go from no man, to several men.  getting to know them, setting dates, wondering if any will be “the one”.  seeking “the one”.  “the one” being analyzed philosophically on one hand, and felt on the other.  heart and mind working in tandem. some men are jaded on love, some are ready for love again, some want the same kind of love as me, some don’t know what they want…all of us boil in this love soup together, trying to figure it out.  one thing i have learned, is i am not my past anymore.  it feels gone.  i feel so new, i am not sure who i am anymore, as a human woman.  the artist doesn’t budge.  nor does the philosopher, the mystic, and the dreamer.  but the woman, she is transforming. into what i am unsure, but something happy.  can you allow happiness to settle into your bones, when your comfort zone has been unhappiness for so long?  can you open to what you have never experienced before, letting go of past experiences and the mental bubbles those experiences created in your brain?  can you hire a new narrator?  i have hired a new narrator….and it feels wonderfully confusing.  my fourth day in vegas.  three more to go, and i am home the next day at three in the afternoon.  back to the wheel of life.  being here is the pause i needed.  the desert is silent and still enough to contain the waterfall in my heart, bigger than niagara falls.   the craving for change is intensifying like a wave rising, as it edges toward the shore.  today we will go the gym, and i will work out the rising swell of these waves within me.  transmuting desire, accepting the unknown.  last night i dreamed my sister became president of the country.  before that was a horror film type of dream about some creepy guy wanting to harm me.  i am sure that my subconscious still has some trust issues, but my conscious mind is holding her hand, saying, “come along, we will be just fine.”  sometimes the sun teaches the moon.  the sun sits bright in its throne, high in a cloudless sky.  seventy degrees.  short sleeves.  bunnies hopping between bushes.  red mountains holding the valley.  a cat on the roof of the house next door, trying to get into my folks house.  i relate to that cat.  it wants in, but cannot figure out how to make it happen…