more tales of romantic inquiry….

i got back on okcupid after picketing it for the past six months, hating its guts and all online forms of seeking love…

yet with spring comes the desire to “put myself out there” in all the ways.  recent dates have ignited my fire to love again, and i realize, there is no going back into the ashram right now….

recent emailing with one of these magical men, has led me on a mental path of inquiry again, about what falling in love really is.  i don’t know.  i realize i love easily.  i love every man i kiss, otherwise i would not kiss him.  this is how i roll, because i cannot just engage intimately from a place of physical sensations, or lust as they call it.  lust is not separated from love, with me.  but love comes easy to me.  sexual love narrows it down a lot, but it’s still love, and easy when it does happen…

truth be told, i am hardly ever sexually attracted to a man.  only the really special ones can i feel it with.  there is no blueprint or set of traits.  it’s his soul.  he can be cute, but if i don’t feel it for his soul, i wont feel it at all.  he can not be cute, and if i feel it for his soul, i feel it…..and only very few of them at that.  maybe twenty in my life thus far, i have loved.

but what does it mean to fall in love?  and then, once in love, what does it require to form a partnership?

the latter is easier for me to define, and i have that part down, mentally.  i know what is required and i know the relationship i want…

recent inquiry has led to even deeper clarity…that for me, true love is not something pre-written in any set of stars, it is a conscious decision i make with my love, who equally wants to build a life with me.  for me, monogamy and marriage makes the most sense, though no judgement on any other forms of partnership.  i just love ritual, and i am a one man kind of woman.  i want to seal the deal, and for me marriage is a sacred act. (doesn’t need to be under the law either, hand-fasting is marriage to me too).   this is why i haven’t done it yet.  i am waiting for that right connection.

i know that chemistry is the base.  without it, i am not interested.  i don’t want to life partner with a friend, i want a lover and to be a lover.  but so much more is required.  my friend simplifies her definition, as a best friend you want to have sex with.  she is with her life partner, and they are just that.  that is a nice simple definition that feels right to me.  the chemistry must flower into best-friendship if i am gonna share my home, body, and life with a man.  and friendship covers all the foundations of proper intimacy: honesty, trust, kindness, good communication, emotional maturity, a few similar interests, laughter, fun, and mutual understanding (not always, but enough to emotionally bond).

there’s still more needed, i feel…

such as walking in the same direction with similar values, which friends don’t always share.  like, due to being so spiritual, i could be with a religious man over an atheist, because at least the religious man feels connected to a spiritual reality, while the atheist is going to judge me and me judge him, and i certainly don’t want to spend my life being loved and judged or loved and judging.  for i am a creature too, not just a soul learning how to accept all.  i can accept atheists easily, but i don’t want to share my bed with an atheist, and this is personal preference.  some people might enjoy that much polarity, it’s a good thing to reflect upon.

agnostic, mystical, or spiritual not religious, might be ideal, but it’s not about ideals…it’s about harmony.  moderately religious or not caring at all, works on a pragmatic level.  middle grounds work, not extremes. an athlete and a couch potato might not work out for the long term, even if they have chemistry, laugh, and can be honest with one another, because their lifestyles cannot find a middle ground. i don’t need a partner to be as spiritually interested as me, but if i am lighting incense, building alters, reading souls, writing wisdoms, performing rituals, and talking about this stuff, it would be more realistic if he has an interest or is entertained by who i am, verses judging or being chafed by it.

you see what i am doing here? i am being very conscious about whom i choose to walk through life with.  i don’t really care about what is meant to be or not meant to be, or tossing it to the universe to decide…

i don’t judge myself anymore for wanting monogamy or life partnership either (cause it’s so cool these days to be independent, casual, and not seeking)…i am realizing what is most realistic to my nature and being very careful and thorough about the creation i desire .  for me, relationship is a work of art.  it’s not fate and it’s not out of my hands.  and i am a tenacious driven creator.

it’s so important to be who i am, this might be the biggest lesson of all in the realm of romantic love, and seeking partnership…if i  am to be a chooser of destiny, not a victim of fate.

i have been a victim of fate many times though….

this is how it works when i am a victim of fate: 1) be outcome oriented, and feel i need the outcome to happen so bad, or i will suffer.  2) attach to every attraction quickly because i need that outcome real bad. 3) deny what does not flow or fit with the other, and change myself, so i can nail down that outcome.  4) keep arguing, trying to fit circles into squares, when the truth of incompatibility reveals itself.  5) break up, cause i am not the type to stay in something not right. 6) give myself bad fate badge, and keep learning.

that’s my old pattern i am finished with.

in equal steps, here is how i am becoming a creator of destiny:  1) ditch the outcome through increasing love within and not needing anyone on the outside of me to give me love.  enjoying the journey for what it is.  2) dive into attractions with passionate vigor cause it’s fun, but don’t attach unless the light is green.  if a red light is hit, be honest about it, make adjustments, stay true to myself.  3) keep being open, honest and direct about who i am and what i need, as to fit only circles into circles, and squares into squares.  4) break up or stop dating if it’s not right, be reasonable, logical, and keep an open heart.  5) keep on generating that love within, as to be a full well of love at all times. 6) give myself the badge of creating destiny.

ok, so it’s not as romantic to be reasonable and a creator of true love, versus the type who will do anything for love, believe in fate doing it for you, and blah blah blah, old paradigm, you get the idea.

so what if i am aware and keen and determined, and not the damsel in distress looking to rescued, feeling without a man, i will suffer.  i am still a woman who loves, and my heart still aches being single.  i am just not willing to sacrifice my truth for a partnership.  i tell myself, if need be, i will join an ashram one day, or have a farm filled with animals and a best friend who also never found love.  there are options…

and i may know the recipe for a good relationship and the structure of the relationship i seek, but i have no clue who he is, or what falling in love really means, verses love.  was i in love with my past exes, or did i just love them?  i don’t know.  was i in love with those unrequited men who did not want me back?  when i feel love, am i in love?

i have no answer….

and it feels good to not know….