second blog one day.
the morning’s blog was like a news report in a way, of where i am at. this blog? i dunno….
this week has been an unraveling of sorts…
have you ever done that? let go of your routine and fall into pleasure, wafting, catching your breath, getting off the radar of yang…of doing…to sit and stare into the sky and let life and your heart be on the same page? lots of change happening, as i keep mentioning. today i ate indian buffet and by mistake got a dish with chicken in it. i thought about what was ethically worse, having meat thrown away by not eating it, or eating it even though i don’t eat meat anymore, as to honor the life of the animal? i chose the latter, and thanked the chicken for its life force. didn’t cry for it’s death. but at work i cried. i melted down. it was weird. got triggered. heart released a bunch of sorrow. luckily where i work, this is acceptable, and luckily most of it happened in private and with my friend who gave me healing energy. it’s about letting go. carnelian is the stone. a lightening strike. tire swing. the old story over. tossing the karmic ring into the fire. made it through to the other side. rose from the ashes. but still got no pride. i don’t want any. i seek only more love. love love love love love love love. rocks, i am in love with. last night, i stayed up till midnight looking at rocks on etsy. for three hours. in the desert i love to sit on the rocks and when i do, leave time altogether, feeling eternal stillness. i sleep with rocks. there are always at least ten rocks on my body at all times. i love rocks. rocks rocks rocks. this is lame homage to rocks cause i don’t feel smart or poetic right now. i feel like the lame donkey rumi speaks of…the lame dreaming donkey. i could be better off as a star fish but chose humanity. our beautiful selves, our beautiful cells, our beautiful souls, our beautiful shadows, the assholes and bitches, demons and elves. strong brewed archetypes. i’ll take mine with butter and salt. like the tibetans. longing to talk to a yak. climb a himalaya softly like a furry animal. longing for the warm sea like in sarasota florida. walking the same city streets feeling my heart beat same as earth. dreaming she did not like the color yellow, and then she died. the resistance to happiness dies. i want to paint large abstracts in a garage with music blasting. i want to be held. so much i want that is not happening, i admit it. but i love what is happening too. both. it’s always both. allow for both to exist, side by side, completely different, seemingly opposite, and yet delighted by one another, refreshed by one another, made whole by each other’s light, casting shadows, dancing on the cave wall.
not all shadows are dark, dank, and heavy like eel guts. some are simply sitting in a corner, untouched, like a dusty bread crumb.
the variety is endless really…