love painting abstract so much, and feel like there are twenty more in me that need to deluge out. keep thinking, if i die in my apartment, and “they” come into my apartment to find me, they will see a dead woman lying amid a ton a paintings, and how romantic that would be. i know it’s a morbid visual, but with a light heart i say it. i mean, any of us can die at any moment. i stay in touch with this at all times, find the laughter and romance. need to paint more abstract, it’s a lust. need to get back to writing though, it’s a must. pisces venus and mars, plus retrograde mercury, is making structured discipline hard. it’s always hard. i work on it every day. today, i will write before work. done and done. yoga is teaching me discipline too because pretty much 8 of 10 times, i don’t want to go through the effort of the class, and i do anyway, and it shows me how wonderful it feels to complete the meditation. there’s no other feeling quite like it. the slow moving muscular strain, mental focus of softness contrasting the strain, aligning the body, letting thoughts go, sweating out the toxins, among all these other bodies….it’s intense. blah blah blah. dreams last night were intense. more about choosing the wrong partner. more about coming out of denial. i truly do not know what it’s like to be with a partner where the connection is harmonious. i can only visualize it, and call out to nature to help me bring it into being. the lesson has always been about self worth and honesty. i have achieved feeling worthy of harmonious love after many years of healing, and i get more honest with every connection. now it’s about faith and patience. faith in love. patience for the process. excitement for the journey. no amount of heart break robs me of my rose colored heart. luckily there’s that. i find romance in my own death, so i’m good to go here on this crazy symbiotic karmic planet. anyhow, this is all blah blah blah. i am swooshing coconut oil in my mouth, staring out my window at the cornflower blue sky against glistening sky scrapers. chatty gemini moon has me spouting in snippets. so mote it be.