like a turtle, hibernating for the very first time….

today is a big seakhawks day, but i don’t care.  liked football for one year, cause my friend was way into them and he made it fun.  but it means nothing to me.  so as seattle goes nutso over a huge win, i stayed in.  painting.  eating cheese, wine, berries.  listening to simon and garfunkle, who never get old.  the nostalgia for the seventies….anyhow…water water everywhere.  water rules right now.  couldn’t sleep last night, listening to the wind howl like a creature from the underworld, and rain hitting my home like blades.  had to keep calming myself.  fear.  being alone.  no man beside me to be the man if shit hits the fan.  ever ready, i feel, to walk out of the comfort of not-disaster, into some form of survival mode that will teach us all how to care about the group, and let go of personal ambition.  ever since my apartment burned down in portland i have been ready too…so yeah, barely slept.  woke up exhausted from yesterday being mammoth in its depth and creative unleashing plus work being chaos.  needed to paint to make the arm stop being a muscle spaz.  and it worked.  painting stopped the muscle spasm thing i was experiencing.  turquoise mu needed out.  i guess she’s good at getting what she wants, so i am painting her.  turns out she’s pleaidian and not blue skinned.  spent the day getting in touch with her story, stretching, singing the chant to saraswati, painting, contemplating, pulling cards, and pulling through the myth from deep within, through the rough apatite in my medicine bag.  tried to get out there in the windy crazy seahawks crazed world today.  cause i needed to get black paint, i figured, i would try to write in a cafe.  but the wifi was messed up and it felt weird to be out.  i am an uber hermit right now in between working, hanging with friends, and doing errands.  i don’t feel like being close to humanity.  if i could poof, make it happen…for the next month, i would dwell in nature.  need it so bad.  but grist it is.  being present for what comes up in both waking and dreaming life.  talked to someone who lives in my building, cause she came into the store, and bought the hematite pyramid i almost took home myself.  i am within a community.  was cool to connect with a neighbor.  there’s that.  when and if i leave this hood, i will be sad to go.  this body needs variety though.  so long as there’s a consistent base underneath.  seattle is and always will be, the mothership.  i really don’t know anymore what my destiny is, as far as location goes.  i go where i am needed…not attached to any place as a particular home…like a true turtle.