day two of sickness hermitage. reading. staring out the window pulling cards. eating soup and peanut butter sandwiches. endless cups of tea and lemon water. sitting in silence until my neighbor blasts his music, and i need to put my headphones on. allowing binaural beats to heal. realizing that i need to do more letting go of my attachments, which perpetuate the story of disappointment in my head. attachment to true love and creative success is what i need to let go of more. and in true paradox form, if the outcome is to receive these blessings, it will happen through letting go of attaching to them. i let go of attaching to dreams. awake in the samsara. krishna das, being my living role model, helps greatly. never realized what a difference it makes to feel akin to somebody farther along the path. this is what a teacher is to me. akin and farther along. makes me wanna be that for others too, on this conveyor belt of karmic healing. really taking a look at my disgruntled moody nature, and no longer seeing it being a result of unactualized dreams, but instead, as symptoms of attachment. know with every cell of my soul that this is truth. there is no turning away. arriving in the present with an open heart is the path. this is how the month of the emperor rolls. i navigate with reason, the truth in heart. being sick is not just about being sick. never is. being sick allows time for the quiet soul to speak, and balance me back into the truth. easy it is not. only sounds easy. the practice is like brick laying. it’s like sculpting by chipping away. it requires patience. and i have faith, because the results of happiness that stem from this work are the proof. so mote it be. osiris on the alter to represent the emperor. his myth. destroyed by the shadow twice. first time, killed by being tricked and suffocated in a coffin. till the empress discovered his death and brought him back to life. second time cut into 13 pieces and scattered. till the empress found all the pieces and put him back together, transforming his phallus with a spell from the sun. what does this mean? it means that the masculine gets destroyed by the shadow and rebirthed twice by the feminine. it means resurrection through alchemy. these are big words. i have no break down of them right now. but can feel the mystery boil in my blood like chopped carrots. sorrow is tossed into the mix, and transmuted into peace, by the boiling. heart opening is the opening of the flavors. tumeric and paprika. cooking metaphor half complete. time to take a bath. sea salt and lavender. more vitamin c. more tea. hot broth. and rest. rinse, lather, repeat….