big deal thursday…

yesterday was a huge day of internal growth, through an experience, which was a lesson.  i don’t want to talk about the external details, as that part is minor, compared to the growth internally.  all disappointments lead to internal expansion of some sort, if you let it, and remove blaming or dwelling, and pain stories.  realized yesterday that it’s true love or bust for me.  i am not interested in any other form of relating to a man as a romantic partner.  realized that now, i am as old fashioned as can be, in that i do want to be married in this lifetime, not just committed.  and i am fine to be single until then, even if this means never finding him.  i realized yesterday, that although romantic love is the treasure of this life in my heart, and life partnership the foundation i most deeply desire to build upon…that without it, i am ok.  there’s a new sense of serenity i feel from the efforts of my spiritual practice revealing themselves as a new temperament within.  although i might be passionate, i am not desperate.  although i am longing, i don’t feel a lack.  there might be tears, sorrows, and other human feelings, but the story of lack has slithered down the drain and died, and the hunger has subsided.  noticing this in my hunger for other things too.  there’s a cessation.  i am being filled up with love within.  nourished by love always available to me.  so unexpected.  i don’t write this blog to spiritually brag, and hope it does not come across this way…i write it as a celebration of efforts revealed, and to perhaps give you hope too, that practice does bring peace…for if i can feel peace and love, without any external validation or release through another person or experience….anybody can.  because i used to be the most wily of creatures inside, the most volcanic, and with a pain story that made the himalayas look like mole hills.  it’s interesting to me, looking back, how it was not until yoga, meditation, chanting-listening to the chant, and mindfulness focus, that this peace was cultivated.  my spiritual practices before this, before 2010…were mostly and purely an eclectic shamanic free form healing, with a ton of cognitive awareness, deep listening to the divine within, and creative transmutation, all great stuff that got me some place closer to here, and closer to being embodied, closer to being love….though it was only mediation that brought my mind into the here, without the back stories, and yoga that brought my now-here mind into body, and chanting-listening to the chant through krishna das specifically and connecting to maharaji, that burst my heart wide open.  i find this fascinating, how it all works as michelle, the human creature.  and i find it interesting too, how tears and let downs dance with peace and joy, as loves throughout time within my soul.  and i also find it interesting, that the part of my book i am downloading right now, one particular story, manifested slightly in real life, because life mirrors art, again and again.  i walked into my work and the most beautiful aragonite was waiting for me, and wants to go with me everywhere i go now, like a chihuahua, and feels like a gift from mamma earth for my efforts and to help sustain me on this path…this 12th house north node house of finding everything within, as love, and then having that deluge into the external as experiences and relationships that mirror.  for even yesterday’s let down with another, was rooted in love, honesty, and respect.  doing the practice allows for karma-less results, even if slight reactivity wants to emerge with hurt, it does not stick more than a minute, before understanding rises like a pink dawn, and no hooks are put into another.  no hooks.  this is the separation from me to another, that leads me to oneness with everyone, in true earthly paradox form.  karmic freedom feels like bliss.  and to add to the paradox, on a more physical note, to realize that who i am now is this old fashion woman wanting a husband, and the actual ritual of marriage…fascinates…because i want it not for being a culturally brain washed female…but because i love ritual, and i want the roles, and i desire the structure.  life is art. and i have an eye for commitment and ritual.  and because truth be told, when i allow a man into my being, it’s a big big big deal.  i cannot divide sex from the heart.  i cannot divide the heart from soul.  i cannot divide the soul from body.  all one.  letting a man in, is letting him in all the way, no matter what…and letting him in, is allowing my ecosystem to completely change.  this means i shall choose wisely.  my needs and wants are vital.  and in the most cryptic form of writing this blog, i finally know how to take care of what i need and want, without the drama, without being divided, not present, dissociated from my truth because the man’s energy is so strong, and letting myself down.  i can maintain my truth without rationalizing, without denying, without the desperation, without letting my truth be dissolved into the mass of his needs and wants.  a lunar curse until mastered.  hoping this was the last test.  ready to let everything i just wrote here rest, and wash away in the sea of time…returning me to newness…