monday mutterings from a creature…

yesterday i finally changed my shower curtains, after three years of the same ones.  it felt monumental.  was griping all day about the endless tasks of the mundane, their costs, all that crap.  it’s ok though.  i know i just need a little balance i keep not giving myself.  namely, some nature.  did i walk to the trees yesterday?  nope.  i walked, but not to the trees.  will i walk there today?  no, cause i need yoga and i have work to do for tonight’s workshop, and more mundane tasks that need getting gone.  perhaps tuesday.  it’s cold, the motivation is low.  not usually one to crave heat and tropics, but for whatever reason, i really am now.  i am also craving to hike up a mountain and feel that fresh mountain air and see for miles too.  i got some aspen flower essence and it’s helping me at least, not be too much on neptune.  earth, come back to it, me.  aspen and pine i crave hard core.  trees call me hard core.  and the sea.  all of gaia.  all!  even when i ate kale last night, i was devouring it like a beast and could have eaten three plates of it.  lust for green.  i feel like i am immersing more in being a creature.  like, i am descending deeper into the mysteriousness of being a human being made from earth.  sensations feels stronger.  colors feel brighter.  could be the lunar phase too.  feeling like a crow and a wolf and a sparrow and a panther and a tree.  do i sound too woo?  so sick of that term.  really.  it’s insulting.  not that i can’t make fun of myself, cause i sure can.  but i think i am sick of the hostility closed off people have toward others who don’t have the same life experience and belief system as a result.  there’s an aversion to boxed in thinking i guess.  aversions feel like spiked walls.  the creature’s hair raises.  teeth bare.  going to yoga soon.  craving to connect mind to body after saturday.  craving sweating.  after a year of solid practice, it’s become very acute for me, when i am not connected in mind-body, and how yoga is the connector.  i suppose that’s another thing people tease, cause yoga’s become such a yuppie-barbie-sport for the affluent.  sure, there’s all that.  just as much as there is woo-annoying-disconnected-ego bullshit in the new age.  but there’s also the real.  feeling the strong desire for real.  i am aware of where i wear masks and hide behind fear.  for me, it’s not connected to pack mentality, for i am naturally rebellious to an adolescent fault, toward the pack.  my masks are rooted in fear of rejection…not from the pack…but from…..from….from who?  a lover?  a friend?  somebody i admire?  i know in the past, i have kept my truth to myself to keep somebody liking me.  i can admit that.  these days, i just feel so raw…i feel who i really am in a way that’s like, “take me or leave me, i am cool with either.”  the more i embody this creature mystery and connect to earth, the more i feel belonging and realize, i don’t need to feel i belong in the eyes of other humans, but in the eyes of my own soul and the soul of earth.  this talk of belonging might sound teenage-y, but you know, we all have insecurities and fears, no matter what age.  the sun is out today.  lately seattle winter is sprinkled with these cold sunny days.  makes me wanna hike.  i friggen need to hike!  i remember when somebody said to me, “you know, hiking means walking.”  i like the sound of walking over hiking.  hiking has a militant connotation.  sounds of words are real too.  when the river saraswati dried up, she became words uttered from the mouths of those who loved her….