the upswing of yesterday rolled right into fog, and then into longing. quickly. you know how sometimes clouds pass fast through the sky? that’s how my feelings are passing through right now. that amped up everything is great feeling, quickly diminished in yoga. in yoga i realized, through my practice, that my mind was not at all connected to body. could hardly balance. mind felt lazy. got nauseous and dizzy. at least i was balancing by the middle of class, and could breathe and flow with a bit of grace. it was a tough practice. did not want to be in a room with other bodies, sweating.
raced home to shower, eat, go to work. felt foggy at work. like on another planet. did not want to be there. felt boxed in. by the end of the night, i realized i was depleted and needed nature. this is the winter blues, right? longing to plop my body on warm green earth, or by the sea, and melt into the planet, in quiet, not having anybody else there, or if they are there, they are also quiet and melting. a break from the seeking, questions, buying, needing, wanting, imbibing, the chaos of the city, the buzz of the grist. yep, depleted. this is ok. christmas, retail and not getting a vacation means being depleted. fine. i will take a long walk this morning, say hello to the trees.
longing for love too, of the romantic variety. i still miss my ex, because i really loved him and he really loved me, despite the incompatibility and problems. love is love. dreamed again about him as other men last night, with the same issues, reminding me of how it can’t work. i thank him though, because he opened my heart to love even more. it’s interesting, how i am sick of close proximity to city folk, wishing for space, and yet how i long to be touched and touch a love…to be twined together like two trees.
sick of dreams being longing’s cocktails of grief. letting go is hard. my heart is open to the new though…not bitter, not blaming, not gripping, able to have crushes, able to explore. able to be simultaneous. i guess this is the gift. i can be at work wishing i was in the forest of mu, and still be available to give. i can long for a man i had to let go of, and still long for new love. it’s as if my heart is able to move in two directions at once.
when i got home from work, all i could do was listen to krishna das and stare into facebook and other meaningless screen shots of nothingness, until going to bed early, then being restless all night with weird dreams and electricity shooting through my legs. the two directions…one: in dire need of nature, touch, affection, space….and two: available, open, giving, present. sort of.
i do think, due to the book i am writing, a piece of my brain is on neptune. that’s the other thing. i know i am committed, but i still feel completely scattered. this is how it goes. i know myself too well. this is the part where i wonder what writing machine i need cause the chromebook is slow, where i don’t understand how i will write this, how i will bring it together, and i begin to doubt myself and distract as a result. it’s the kicking and screaming part.
being an animal is funny. was thinking about that last night. we are all warm creatures with reactions, trying to evolve and have responses. well, some of us. was thinking about kd and ram dass surrendering to their guru, and the art of surrendering to a human who is really oneness disguised as human, like we all are, but the guru is fully aware of it, fully embodied as oneness. it’s a beautiful thing. not my thing in this life, but i remember doing it in other lives, and i miss it sometimes.
i understand why westerners have a negative reaction against this surrender, because our culture is heavily based on being an individual and carving our own path. i also think this is a beautiful thing. its always both. i se the irony in it too, because westerners are completely surrendered to the material, to money, they just don’t realize it. as creatures, we all want to surrender, it’s a secret longing that gets expressed through every institution we create. there’s a loss of balance though.
last night at work, these two seahawks fans came into the store, tall and large, wearing blue and green everything seahawks. they seemed surrendered to the hawks. the guy, he was mysterious. clearly connected to the spirit world through his journey of healing from addiction, in a very special way. he drifted in and out of strange psychism. it was a mirror for me, that just became clear this very second. the physical realm, the samsara, is where my aversions were laid coming into this creature body…while the spirit world is where my attraction, comfort, familiarity and deepest sense of home floods my being.
if i don’t accept both, be present in both, love both, i lose the balance. i used to be very split. all spirit, hardly any body. this is why my body used to hold excess fat, it was compensating for my consciousness not wanting to weave with it. the more i weave into body, through yoga, and mindful practice, the more the excess weight falls off, the more my heart expands, the more i am available to love and give, and most important….the more harmony i create for myself and the collective of humans, earth, the whole shebang.
having faith, that my practice of beautiful embodiment will continue to expand, as i view these longings with the tender innocence of a child. i also know, not to take it too serious. i hear everyone laughing…my soul, friends, family, the trees, the core of earth, the sky, the moon, the sun, stones, celestial spheres, and all the beings. we are laughing….while simultaneously, it’s hard.
there was talk yesterday too, about relationships. aint there always? the thing about letting go, is you just let go. let go! you don’t sit on a throne and have these expectations that others need to live up to, to get your love and approval, no matter how much they hurt you, betray you, or disappoint you. you forgive because on the most zoomed out level, you know we are all on the conveyer belt of learning how to love, some of us more along the path than others, but we are all on the same path. you give this unconditional love to yourself too. there’s no need to keep the hooks in others. everyone who hurts lacks love, and lack of love is the hurt. it’s a feedback loop.
keeping hooks in others with your expectations of who they should be and how they should act, is what creates karma. karma is the mind creating a hierarchy of who gets love and who doesn’t, based on your set of expectations. the way to release karma, is to love everybody, forgive everybody, and then be discerning about who you choose to spend your time with, and how close you want to be with them, based upon what is harmonious for your path.
take the hooks out, let everybody be where they are and learn at their own pace. you are the not the judge. feel your feelings of hurt and release them. let go and move on. i don’t mean to over simplify, but it is simple. yet what is simple can be the most challenging to embody…this is the practice of remembering we are all love…and we are all one…and…
this is a long ramble from yesterdays bulk of interactions…
now, for silence and trees…