new moon didi before writing down the story…

now thinking no, on the yoga teacher training.  like it’s one too many eggs in too many baskets.  need to focus on my book.  how many times can i say this over and over?  so here i am, at the cafe on sunday, forcing myself to write.  second cafe actually.  in the first one, a trapped bee kept rising and falling on the window i was sitting against.  i felt sad for it.  maybe it’s a mirror for me.  how i keep rising and falling, but i have not made it outside yet.  what is outside?  how do i get there?  through love and dedication and my bhakti heart.  now i am in the more quiet, less hipster, nerdy cafe for scientific and computer types.  i like it here much better.  i like sitting among my polar opposite.  it comforts me.  was lucky to find a seat by the window again.  and i am here nice and early, to really get a lot accomplished.  (as i stall by blogging.)  big gold skull on my pointer again.  no stone, just cheap metal, but it’s working.  nothing like a huge skull pointing the way to remind you of your mortality.  it’s easy for me to forget, because i welcome death…if that makes any sense.  like, it’s so safe to die and leave this samsara that it’s easy for me to forget my mortality because moving from this side of living, to the other side of living (post death) feels seamless, causing me to think i have all the time in the universe.  but i don’t.  as michelle, i don’t.  time is limited, make it golden…each time i look at this ring, i hear that mantra, and it’s working.  it got me out of my apartment into this cafe writing, when the seamless default desire was to do laundry, pull cards, lay around, have a lazy morning.  nothing wrong with a lazy morning, but i needed to write today.  nothing wrong with being wrong either.  in fact, what is being wrong?  what is wrong?  closest i can come to a real definition is: harm.  what harms is wrong.  it would not have been harmful for me to have a lazy sunday morning, although i am better off writing right away….because…i need to do a little swimming upstream.  was thinking, on my walk up the hill, about fate.  on one hand, everything has already happened, and is already written.  i can feel this strong in my bones.  and on the other hand, everything is happening in the moment, and nothing is written.  i can feel this in my heart.  emerson talked about fate being a wall to climb over, which to me is akin to swimming upstream, like salmon do.  anyhow, i was thinking, about how karma works, how we are magnetizing our karma to us at all times, no matter how hard the conscious mind thinks it’s not doing that, and accomplishing something new.  you can try real hard, consciously, to avoid what you fear the most, but subconsciously you are drawing it to you, by trying to avoid it with conscious effort.  it’s a paradox but makes sense when you think about how magnets work, and humans are electromagnetic beings. this magnetic paradox is where “it is written” and “it is not written” intersect.  not sure what i mean by that on a logical level, but what i feel as truth, is that the will is going to magnetize its karma (emotional charge/attachment manifested as relationships with others and self) no matter how hard the conscious mind fights against it, and this is what destiny is.  to create newness, one must release their karma through love, forgiveness, and whatever practices burn off the attachments.  the Buddhist way knows this, and uses it to override reincarnation, if you’re into that sorta thing.  yet releasing karma also stops reincarnating the same relationship dramas over and over, in this one life, right here and now.  this is why releasing karma is my number one priority.  i do it partially by writing down the stories that must be told to be let go of, partially through chanting, partially through yoga, and partially through miracles.  therapy and analysis does not work at all to do this.  analyzing only helps to bring clarity to what needs releasing.  working out does not release karma either, it only helps my conscious self feel more stable.  nothing conscious mind only works to let go of karma.  only writing, chanting, yoga, and miracles reach deep into the subconscious and soul, to bring on release.  for me.  drinking some herbal tea, feeling this fact drench my thoughts.  what a mouthful on sunday afternoon.  my kind of sunday.  no shopping for presents.  instead, steeping in presence.  it’s the new moon and i am fully immersed in my soul purpose without distraction.  thank you new moon, earth, flesh, time, paradox, golden skull.  i love you.