morning time little spew…

seven am.  forcing myself to write because i am feeling private and quiet, but compelled to share.  this current phase of transformation is a bit scary.  battling with ego.  well, not battling, but feeling it want to convince me that i am unlovable, or unlikable, or something in the negative.  watching that as i take this body and soul to yoga, work, walking, into baths, cafes, grocery stores, and dream land.  wondering if i am living life to the fullest.  knowing being love is the thing.  chanting the chalisa still, but less times.  feeling like hanuman is all i know.  all i know is inside love.  everything on the outside is the tower, a mystery, in the process of massive change.  not feeling like writing.  watching ambition slithering down the drain.  only able to show up like the empress, as a loving woman giving insight, listening, and energy to those around me.  wondering though, if this is a default program, south node thing.  too much care taking of others thing.  walking away from what my heart truly wants?  whatever.  my heart truly wants world peace, true love, a home, some adventure.  am i standing on a podium with a fancy dress on, hoping the judges pick me when i say that?  the yoga mat is the anchor right now.  it’s the one place that makes sense.  even work feels off, cause i am still vibrating at the frequency of a rock or something.  it’s hard to explain.  hard to write.  eating lots of tumeric.  wearing vanilla.  burning tibetan incense.  lost to art.  bought another children’s story.  every ounce of intellectualism squeezing out of me by a strong heart hand.  not in the mental realm at all.  windy and restless.  and this too shall pass.  dreaming of both travel and roots.  wanting to accept change.  moonstone the eternal flame.  truth is easy to know and challenging to put into practice.  specially when i feel embarrassed, and this soft.  comes back to the fear of being too sensitive for this world.  needing to block out much of the turmoil to churn the strength of love in this body to more love, more love, more love.  until i am full, over flowing, and can shine into the darkness that is this current human world again.  we can make it light, right, peaceful, harmonious.  it’s life, a gift!  we have that ability, it’s up to us, a human thing.  remember?