ode to moon mother…

we brought in the empress with last night’s workshop.  felt, when reading my shpeel about the out of balance empress, how much i need to activate her positive qualities, aside from the qualities of mothering and nurturing those i love.  specially in the realms of being too ethereal.  but then, during the hypnosis session, when the empress came to me, she was the moon, and she told me i am supposed to be soft, reflective, and lunar, lighting up the darkness, illuminating truth from high in the sky…because i am her daughter, and to accept myself, as such.  i realized how judgmental i was being with my essence, thinking the empress means having a certain solar vitality or solar qualities, more fire, which i was mistaking for presence.  i have been on this kick about being the female sun, and everything solar feminine, but the moon told me that’s not the essence of my being, not the reality.  didn’t expect this, but always knew it, not only due to being a moon lover and follower my whole life, but because every time i automatic write, i write over and over, “moon mother”.  always on repeat.  i call my guide by the name moon mother too.  but i still was trying to get away from being her daughter.  (seems like a part of me is always trying to get away.  something to look at.)  after moon mother’s message, she licked me with a mammoth cat tongue while i was sitting in a canoe on the sea.  each lick washed me clean of worry, sorrow, judgement and regret.  once clean, i  jumped into the sea, and a dolphin rode me closer to her.  i then flew right into her light.  from within her body, i felt a supreme feeling of peace.  then, she spit me out playfully, and i landed on the shore, at dawn, wearing all white for the color of moonlight, and i was reborn.  powerful.  by the end of the workshop, i felt the empress rise within me like a full moon.  felt exhausted.  just wanted to get home, into a sea salt bath and dream-land.  started a specific blog for the workshops i lead, to have a written format of what i read in the classes, and felt good about creating it.  but the creative writing is still…a bit dry.  i did write the first paragraph of what might be my next book, while sitting beside a friend at the cafe, from out of the blue it felt.  we shall see.  letting go and being in the now, the mantra of our time.  the tarot reminded me yesterday, to see my attachment to ambition and release it, and to also see my attachment to non-ambition and release that too.  be centered, and keep writing simply to write, for the joy and necessity.  singing the hanuman chalisa each morning and night is getting easier.  the hindi language feels so familiar.  it’s bringing up past lives.  the chalisa is sweetening the fear, like how a mother gives sweets to a scared child.  been feeling waves of fear rise and loom over my heart.  observing and walking into it.  being a kid with fresh eyes.  the moon wants to write my next book.  i thought it was water, but no, it’s the moon.  vanilla and jasmine open the lunar light within.  the moon is in almost every painting i paint.  it’s always been the moon.  which is weird to my logical mind, that thinks, oh, it’s just a gravitational rock.  funny, how my logical aspect wants to minimize.  i say this logic is the ego’s sneaky ways of disguise, to do the duty of sabotage. crafty! nothing alive is an object and everything is alive.  funny.  i have been saying the past few days, that i feel like i am vibrating at the frequency of a rock.  moon rock?  yes.  feeling very psychic, quiet, tender, and magnetized to earth, just like moon mother.  it’s all about illuminating dark places as i wax toward fullness right now.  wearing moonstone every day.  surrendering to the cycles….

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