complete loving amnesia is the gift…

love waking up to family, in a solid house, drinking coffee at a solid wood table.  solid being the key word.  i like the solid feeling.  perhaps because i always feel like mist or wind or feathers.  doggies lay in laps.  and yes, the tv blares, but somehow, when it’s my family watching, i don’t mind as much, i don’t mind at all.  realizing how much i needed family.  family, pulling me out of the ethereal and into my toes, sipping from a yellow mug, allowing the moment to be simple in the here and now.  restless fiery spirit able to ground into just being among those who share the bloodline.  i am so different from them, yet so similar in temperament.  funny, how blood makes up the temperament.  and lucky, that one of our “good traits” is unconditional love.  east coast is like salt on the tongue.  while west coast is like tumeric on the third eye.  my sister calls her daughter my name.  my mother calls me my sister’s name.  my father eats cereal beside me, reading the paper.  i’ve calmed down this morning, emotionally.  need the earthly, laughter, joy.  excited to wake up in the morning, coo-coo clock going off.  not allowing news to piss me off.  flowers in every pot, from my sister’s friends, post shoulder surgery.  hot pink roses, sunflowers, chrysanthemums.  pills in daily boxes, swallowed.  up at seven.  two more days before my return.  texts last night from seattle soul family, missing me.  me missing them.  noticing my desire for travel and movement.  thing about this me creature is, she desires to leave, but always returns.  the way this gypsy spirit lives is all over the world, but her love is never gone.  sometimes i feel torn (lots of time actually, it’s the libra moon.)  part of me wants a house so bad.  i knew it the other night.  often, it’s hard to know what makes my heart happy, but i knew it when and i said it…how i wanted to live in a house, have a dog, live in more nature, drive a car again, and be partnered.  ha.  regular stuff.  i also can swing into having no solid home, set up an urban tent, be anywhere, and be free from domestic relationships.  craving relationships of the domestic kind now, cause it’s never been done, and i am forty two even if i feel twenty one.  i see how desire wants to clamp it all down, innocently, like a scorpio, with complete obsessive passion.  but you know, today, i don’t care.  today, no watching myself, no alchemy, no rising of the bread, no ambition of the spirit, nothing that is not what it is according to eyes and hands.  today, i dive in to body’s deep end, hold my nose, and swim with the eels.  like anais nin talked about, i am diving into oblivion.  she’d go to mexico to do that (and boy, would i love to)…but virginia will be my diving board.  it’s my gift to oneness today, to give it complete and utter, loving amnesia…the kind of forgetting oneness longs for like a lover, and why oneness made itself be all these bodies in the first place…to fully immerse.  though naturally i wont forget i am oneness, just from sitting around with family.  it’s a good start to calling upon experiences that allow oneness to be a person so hard, that when the experience comes to the end of it’s trip, oneness laughs out loud, tears that turn into opals.  baby dreams of oblivion inside the dream of wakefulness…russian dolls inside russian dolls…i can feel the spectrum, feel it all……ahhhhhhh, but now i am rising!  better end this blog, and get back into the toes ,morning rain and fog…