here to love…

in virginia now with family, and it feels so good.  family dinner around the table, two doggies, a solid house by nature, the east coast….peace.  so much transformation in the past 24 hours.  first biggie has been something growing in my psyche, which is the buddhist principal of “no-self”, which has been hibernating in my heart, and hatched fully with a gil fronsdal talk on no-self the other night.  i truly felt it, all the way, that nothing is mine, not even this body.  this is not MY body, this is not MY money, this is not MY dream, this is not MY family, on and on, nothing is mine, i have nothing.  it’s all an illusion.  happy to partake in the illusion and play with individuation, for that’s the artist way, and creativity as an individual is the play…yet i feel the root now, though it’s too hard to explain, and not meant to be explained either.  you feel it or you don’t feel it. i felt it, and with the feeling, liberation and peace.  this prerequisite took me onto the plane, after no sleep night before, due to having to wake up at half passed four…to get on the aircraft.  after a cozy night with family, and my first real night’s sleep in ages, i woke up saying to myself, “my purpose in this life is to be love, ” and with this thought, felt that it did not matter if i ever achieved success as an artist or writer or anything, that it did not matter.  this realization was on a heart level, not mental (which it’s been before), and it sprung from a set of fertile dreams…about being with a man and feeling in love, about family, about happiness….i knew upon waking, that being love for others was the purpose of existing as michelle.  i am here to be love for others…and having a loving life should not be a struggle.  though it still feels like a struggle-this is ego talking, still in the thicket of awakening.  it’s incremental, the progress of waking up…oh it’s just too weird to explain, so i am not going to bother.  these dharma talks i listen to on zencast, are so inspiring.  gil fornsdal, jack kornfeild, andrea fella…they are the words to the music of krishna das.  it’s clear that the buddhist path is my heart, as is the bhakti devotional way, both.  and toss in with that, the starseed mystic too, cause that’s my direct experience.  an eclectic blend, that is not ME, but just is.  anyhow, blah blah blah.  sitting at a wood table while the tv blares.  my sister is resting after her shoulder surgery.  two little doggies cuddle with her on the couch. gonna go for a run and enjoy this time while it lasts…