today, november 21st, i fully surrender. changing my alter around in my nightgown, doing laundry, letting go. last night was the last of an older me. confiscating the moment with desires unmet. no longer can i fight against the tides of my path, what is given to me, how the flow is making it so…with tactics from the ego. no-thing can take away or give. never did i suspect krishna das to enter my life and be not only a conduit to baba, and heart opener through the chant, but also a role model to help me see my path of surrender. these bhakti tears have understanding. right when i could have exploded from inner darkness, i did not, i could not. wearing red watching. watched myself fall down the rabbit hole and go into ego mode, the suffering, and then the emoting, and other old tactics of a former me that is not true self. attachment to hurt apparent. which is the thing i felt this morning, my authentic self, the oneness, the truth, a love washing. it made the hungry ghost really stand out, and then like a lighthouse, awareness shone into my brain, and i realize for the hundred millionth time, my path is full surrender. can’t stop crying tears of letting go. it’s too hard to explain in words. there are no words for this feeling. the power of surrender is….all i can do anymore. i can only be this self i am….nothing more and nothing less…the lost and lonely feelings don’t vanish, but they don’t grasp…instead the feelings open to a deeper love to come through from within, and i am getting out of my own way. for whatever reason this is how it’s supposed to roll. this denial is an elixir, not a mistake.