persephone wanted to write this one…

today i recognize how lost i feel.  not on the inside, or with my life purpose, that part is crystal clear.  but with where to live and whom to partner with and how to get by in this material world in a way that gets along with my life purpose.  the cards have spoken and it was not the best news.  more waiting.  in the waiting, what to do?  have one book i must write, right now in life.  can i do it in this apartment?  or ought i try to find a better place for the next 6 months?  or longer?  do i leave seattle, or just move into a new place?  the usual tennis match in the brain, between two really good players.   i feel so lazy about making a short term local move now, if i were to leave seattle next summer.  overwhelmed by having to move by myself some place, with no car.  the world of material objects overwhelms me.  stuff is a burden.  that feeling that i can’t do it on my own hits strong.  like a flaming heat on a child’s hand.  i don’t want to place my hand on the burner anymore just to test it out.  that burner is the mantra “i can’t”.  the reader i screened reminded me to not be the damsel in distress, but not to be the warrior either.  totally.  i am neither.  she said i could allow myself to be soft, in the moment, ride the waves so to speak.  it’s always and only felt right for me to be this way.  balance by wafting into the next structure and relationship, not by planning it, that seems to be how i roll.  thoughts race cause i fell down the rabbit hole, as i was prepared for.  i’m about two days in now.  pms belly blown up like a balloon.  tears each night, crying to baba like a baby.  still integrating the last lesson…letting go of a man i was deeply in love with, because we were objectively incompatible, and i knew our riddle of “too much, too little” was unsustainable.  fucking hard lesson, learning to be logical and use reason to guide the heart through love. time in the rabbit hole is good for reminding oneself of the lessons, since there’s not much else to do, as one usually feels a lack of inspiration.  being down here, i always watch hope draw her pictures of a better tomorrow, and yawn.  i know the rabbit hole so well, i’ve become a tour guide.  “and this too shall pass” is written on the entrance mat your butt plops onto when you slip and fall.  there waiting for you by the welcome and this too shall pass-mat, is plenty of food and drink and anything else you want to over indulge in while you walk through the soily darkness.  these days, when i fall into the rabbit hole, i hear baba tell me i am clinging to hurt again.  baba, i know.  how do i let go?  keep with the practice.  my practice is sliding like an egg down the wall of this rabbit hole, thrown and smashed by a restless hand.  yet my practice is also falcon strong because i see myself walking through the soily darkness, and know it’s only happening in the thoughts, and i am not my thoughts.  and with the awareness of not being my thoughts, i see the wound from childhood become a story and that story become a wall, and that wall bring this experience in my life of “wanting and not having”, so that i may turn the wall back into the story, then turn the story back into hurt, so i can cry out the hurt, hence letting it go, so i can be naked again.  no arm chairs of pain to carry from home to home anymore.  being lost is a symptom of hurt, no biggie.  the cure is simple.  love.  i am not a warrior needing to kill anything, or damsel in distress needing help.  there is nothing to destroy or heal.  just gotta let love in.  she said i needed to learn to receive.  that i over-give.  she said that i had to close my voice to open my heart.   maybe that’s why i gotta write…or who knows….in the rabbit hole the reasons why don’t matter…just eat your pomegranate seeds and feel…