catching up soul speak….

was a great workshop last night.  wasn’t in the mood to lead it, felt tired, out of it, drank a ton of caffeine before-hand…knowing once it started i’d be ok, the voice would just come out, and all i needed to do was surrender.  and it did.  interesting that the workshop was about the voice.  chakra 5.  heavy focus on the word being either a weapon or wand of love…so to speak. and feeling very sensitive to this…not wanting to use my voice as a weapon, ever.  the desire to be all love, the strongest desire.  the high priestess told me to focus all of my energy on what i am writing, saying, healing, painting.  to remove all focus from making money, finding true love, getting in shape, you know, all the worldly stuff.  it’s scary to surrender that heavily, deeply and fully.  but i’m gonna.  i have to.  i figure, worst that happen is i wind up poor, sick, alone, and destitute while still in this body.  no biggie, who i am is always free.  she also said to make sure i am using yoga as a means to make sure i can continue to write, speak, heal, paint with health.  not to use yoga as a weight loss-get in shape tool.  basically, let the ego’s desires sink into the soil of soul’s path.  lately, i have been feeling the reason i came here in the first place with strong fire in the belly.  it’s from krishna das and baba, chanting, purifying heart, truth coursing through every cell, in increments and also in lightning strikes.  resistance rolls in like storms.  but when i see that the fear is a thought and thought is ego, it seems so silly…like a feather trying to weigh down an anvil..or wait, is it the other way around?  imprints run deep.  got in touch with a root imprint of pain yesterday too, in moments of feelings-clarity, feeling the core pain without the thoughts, like some parasite screaming chaos, looking for a host to glob onto and feed….the external stuff is the parasite’s host.  specifically where love was denied as a child is the blind pain.  today i shall dissolve pain on the mat, and give it love until it turns into love.  the temptation to sink into self sabotage tickles the senses right now, because of the taurus full moon influence.  scorpio is the shadow of taurus.  a desire to burn it all up, to destroy what’s been created.  but it’s slight.  sabotage turns into a black bird, and flies away.  it was great to get her honest opinion on my first novel.  it’s true, i was so over the story, that the second half, i did not take the time needed to craft it like the fist.  know in my heart, i can never go back and edit or read that book again.  it will remain a sloppy first, so be it.  learned  about writing.  hope with this next one, i will have an emotional attachment to it from start to finish.  patience is needed.  poetry makes it fun.  this next one will be fun to read, even with it’s usual dark sexual subversive tones.  my first book is painful as all hell to read.  i am happy with it though, it’s my first baby.  i adore my painful baby.  my babies are books.  i write them and they are no longer mine.  (like they ever were).  makes me think about how yesterday i caught myself using the term, “my money” and it felt all wrong.  so i reframed with, “the money coursing through my life right now,” which felt better.   the sun is out in seattle today, again.  thank goodness.  i miss the sun.  the desire to move is strong.  longing for a change of scene is strong.  surrendering completely, allowing love to guide me…this is all i know…i am open….