blah-blah-blahging….

went to see the band slowdive play last night.  felt good to be out in the night, having my ears filled with music.  before the opening band, which i enjoyed more (low), my friend went down to the bar, while i held our seats.  sitting alone, staring into the red lights, i found myself not thinking.  ideas came into my brain.  i don’t remember them now.  there was nothing to connect to, on the outside of me, beyond the beauty of colors.  and on the inside, i kept seeing his face, he who is love.  the face of love.  as this was happening, i felt myself come more into presence.  it was weird.  like, the colors got brighter, the sounds got richer, my body felt substantial, like a mountain.  and with this coming into presence, a feeling of peace took hold…it was as if suddenly the miracle was simply having eyes to see.  my thinking kicked in and i watched my emotions jump with joy, so i noted that, and then the feeling of presence and peace vanished.  it’s so funny!  being here fully as i, as the face of love…reminds me of…a shy animal that only can be present if you don’t pay it any attention.  instead of paying attention to the animal, you just have to be the animal.  instead of paying attention to presence, you just have to be presence.  i am not doing any meditation practice formally.  listening to krishna das every morning and night, writing as a practice, going to yoga as a practice, but i am not doing anything formal to train my brain to not invest in thoughts.  just seem to be doing that all day long.  watching myself thinking.  and then key moments, open a sudden space where i am not thinking, and that feeling comes in, where there’s only presence.  using the method of allowing love to change me.  because i rebel against structure as it is.  and i have too much in my life already, it feels like.  these are all thoughts.  music, i love you.  baba, i love you. and all the forms and gifts of creation.  there’s all this delineation about paths…and all of it makes no sense to me.  i know i have a heart of devotion, i know i rebel against structure, and i do what i can to move through that resistance while also honoring my temperament and also not taking shit too serious.  the ego wants to take everything so serious!  to be human is hilarious by nature.  grey skies have become seattle now.  i always forget, that after the electric magical mysterious beauty of fall comes….the desolate shadowy damp eerie of winter.  the only warmth is in my heart.  there’s a reverie of externals…cinnamon, maca, orange, rose, vanilla, hops, chanting, music, sweating on the mat, hugs from friends, broth, pepper, pyrite, thick globs of paint…and supplements….to keep…the emptiness…at…bay….sigh…..oh winter in seattle…moody northwest…the slow walk to yoga, them asking me how i am, me never being upbeat anymore.  this has gotta change.  no it doesn’t.  more music, more love, more chanting the names.  inundation.  flooding.  gushing.  opening.  alchemy.  as within…so without.  k, time to do it.