quickie birthday update…

yesterday was my birthday.  felt good, due to a revelatory weekend of letting go of the attachment i’ve always had to true love/partnership with a man being my anchor and savior in this world.  at last i saw this attachment for what it is, through reading kd’s book, and my spiritual practice (increment by increment) and once i saw it, the attachment sloughed off like snake skin, quick and all at once, it no longer made sense to my brain or heart, to see true love this way.  my savior is love, and love is within, and i am feeling this love within, i have all i need.  with the sloughing off of this illusion, i felt only peace wash over and through me, like warm milk and honey.  peace because my anchor is love within.  this transformation is huge for me.  i no longer see true love the same way, or seek it in the same way.  i still seek romantic partnership, still desire to fall in love and be with a man… though, no longer do i need it the same way.  at this stage of life, being forty two, not wanting kids, not sure if need to get married or want that either, and no longer feeling i even need one partner forever more…i feel open and new.  rebirthed.  younger.  child like, but not like kid-child, more like a soul-child, a free spirit, rooted to something much larger than a human.  i feel open to short term lovers, and long term beloveds.  open to one man till death do we part…or not.  feeling open to loving and letting go when the time comes, or making a life long commitment.  i guess it all depends on the nature of the union, and all unions are beautiful if they are love, from the life-long to one night.  open to all love that is equal love, is how it feels.  and equal love means connection, intimacy, and closeness sexually, emotionally, and energetically.  right upon this transformative weekend, my friend got in touch with a soul who did not incarnate with me this life, a love, a lover, and i have known about him for quite some time, and cried over him not being here.  she picked up on his emotions about me incarnating quickly without checking in with him.  i never thought about his feelings being hurt about it, i thought it was meant to be this way…but what if it wasn’t “meant to be” and i jumped into life suddenly, before he was ready?  it’s interesting to ponder.  according to my friend, i  felt i needed to be here to bring a particular message, and that’s why i jumped quickly back into human life.  the veil is thin right now, we are picking up on a lot of nuances from the other side.  i feel with this liberation of attachment and acceptance of the soul not incarnated, that i can also liberate myself from lesson love.  lesson love is when we draw lovers who we can project our stuff that is not worked out-onto, so that we can see it, and let go (or not, which then creates a pattern).  lesson love is something i am very familiar with, and have worked out a ton of my karma through it, and i feel perhaps the last of it, in this area at least.  releasing the attachment, is releasing the man i love from being anything but love.  he is not my safety in this big scary world, or the anchor for my soul in this body.  he is not anything but the man i love, and the man who loves me.  purity of love.  this is my path with everything in life.  this is my revelation.  i am here in this life to be love and release all of my earthly attachments, to let go all the way as much as i am able..and to take the ride of succulent intense human life for what it really is…the divine lila…the i being me…and being free.  so many creative ideas came out yesterday too, with the opening.  nothing tastes as sweet or is as inspiring, as liberation.  i know this blog is not poetic like usual, but it’s morning, i am tired, doing laundry, and wanted to note this transformation while it still burns inside like a new fire.  i know there will be the two steps forward one step back thing happening, and rabbit holes will present themselves, and i will fall down them.  i know it’s a step by step process, i get the human way….not proportion blowing…just giving recognition to the snake skin slough off of an attachment that is no longer…and basking in the honeymoon stage of its dissolution….