today was weird. on so many levels. physical, emotional, mental…i couldn’t get a grip for the entire time until work. feet dragging. feeling sorrow and anger. sluggishly watching my thoughts, but not having too many…only an inundation of feelings…while body felt like iron, holding me down…from the book store, to get some food, back home to lay down and listen to his songs. go within, find love. made rosewood bracelets. changed my top three times. no on turquoise and red together, too flashy for how i feel. the sweatshirt won over. comfort. walked into work and felt i wasn’t gonna make it. didn’t know why. so many people, tiny box, having to be helpful. but knew i’d be alright. knew she could not cover for me as i could not cover for her, next day. knew once i put the cd on and burned some palo santo, things would settle down. serving others would be like putting on a crown. peace radiated from my heart twenty minutes in, after a friend walked in. not for any logical reason, her presence turned my feelings around. peace, burned like soft orange embers, beneath sorrow, anger, fear, fatigue. people filled the store, drawn to the embers. everyone feeling the peace. the magnetic effect in effect. silent conduit. first time he spoke of death out loud. she needed a bit of comfort from not finding work. various reasons. i felt myself in their stories. i am another you. in the city. city grist. the tree that is sometimes a dragon, that protects the temple, took our stress. surrender. i had to pull cards again. compulsion. is emulating his path the right path for me? will it lead to real happiness? yes. reassurance abound. it already has. this is really happening. different this time. letting go of trying to figure out the outside, and going within to find love. all the way in. it’s very subtle, the difference. from the outside things look the same. for now anyway. i am ready to leap. know it’s coming. all this talk of viruses and brain eating nano-bots, fear in various fashions, control, panic…you just don’t know what’s coming next..there’s so much manipulation…it’s chaos…but for a reason. how many anchors of love does it take to change a light bulb? i am an anchor of love. no matter what or how bad it gets, death is always there to catch you. sweet death. it’s alright. reality’s got a honey glaze all over it. why do i feel this way, so strong at night? burning vanilla and cinnamon. imagining him making me laugh, and cooking something. not being this girl. even though she’s doing fine writing, listening, imbibing, dreaming. third person. zoom out. and this too shall pass. feel no worry. stomach hurts. this sickness still coursing through? so thirsty. gotta get some water. end this blog while i can….