autumn is here and these are my thoughts falling like dead leaves…

the halloween weirdness continues.  samhain.  thinning veil.  fall is really here.  it’s been slow on the hill…a preemptive human knowing that we are walking into winter now.   i want warmth, i admit.  a body close to mine.  not just any body.  the warm body of love to my love body.  so what i do is light many candles for warmth, and incense too.  turn my home into a treasure chest jewel box, listen to krishna das, and drink a night cap while writing as a nightly ritual. rituals sublimate creature closeness.  desire sweats on the mat, and yells in the store when it’s empty, to the poised deities watching me.  keep mentioning the blue robed mother, de-robing and diving into the sea, naked.  the whole thing is collapsing.  the past is not sticking to the cells.  incubation is all that’s left, before this rebirth into?  i couldn’t tell you because i have asked to be surprised.  reading tarot for a living makes one desire to not know.  but what i do know is the past is blowing away like white dandelion fuzz made by a child’s wish.  video taped myself tonight whilst chanting, to see what i looked like from the outside in.  i can be such a dork, and a child!  i say this endearingly.  it’s interesting to watch yourself from the outside in, on a video.  it shows a different side.  i feel the woman and child, priestess, and fool in me…all these aspects that feel like schools of fish swimming through and out of my body into other bodies…as if we are all cells in a larger organism, like i am the liver of some other being much larger.  feels good to let the thoughts travel. they’ve been in the glass box today, absorbing reality.  a dear friend sent me a care package in the mail.  obsidian and rose quartz.  truth and beauty.  love and earth.  simpatico.  i want to hand write a snail mail letter.  tactile tactile.  woke up a bit sick.  the thing getting passed around.  not letting it overtake me.  the ups guy talked about his amazing day at the mountain Rainier.  i don’t crave to be in the mountains.  i like the red rocks of the desert, the sea, the forest.  when i go up mountains i get scared.  maybe i need to climb a mountain next.  what do you fear?  why?  why does what feels exciting, fill you with doubt?  when did it get that way?  or has it always been that what’s safe is the easy route…i wonder.  i am unsure who i am talking to….better end this blog now, unraveling is in effect…