still only wanting to listen to baba hanuman, feeling it so much, and his voice going into my heart and loosening the grip, bringing…there are no words for it. today is the first day of autumn. i woke up no longer reluctant. warmth returning to my heart after the weekend, walking through the swamp in the dark, right after a lightning storm where i got struck, and so tired from making it back to land that i collapsed onto him. earth as masculine, holding me and my fatigue. weird dreams and sleeping late. mirroring for one another the reflection of the scared child worrying that it will be like the past again. acknowledging fear the night before too, the painful then and the now and how we are dealing with it. shadow has returned. i love it. it’s my forte. but it’s hard too. and yet when i come back to this place, to the chanting, it’s not hard. do what makes you happy. it makes me happy to write blogs while listening to baba hanuman on repeat while burning agarwood under a red light, sitting on the edge of my bed, obsidian arrow head pointed in…cleaning the mirror. basil. fig. apple. elephants and monkeys. remembering a distant land. when reading about the hindu immortals i remember them. i know them. they feel like home. listen to heart. allow imagination to roam free. rational mind may not understand cause it’s caught up in “me”. surrendering logic to the golden hand of heart held out to a sunrise. logic comes in through the back door, where ego’s playing with a yo-yo in the kitchen, thinking about tomorrow, eating a cheese sandwich. the workshop tonight was transformative. loved the circle of us. my intention it be a catalyst for transformation. that makes sense…not necessarily teaching, per se. i feel the flames inside, the snakes, kundalini…more than anything, she desires to transform energy. eyes are focused on the center. hair is dark blue. skin a creamy teal. black eyes. wearing a green robe. i dunno. just riffing now. needing poetry to fill my perception after the healing extravaganza of a weekend. right to balance left. got tired of too many moments being a push, lately. needing to unravel. something new. muse, where are you? keep burning sage and palo santo, chanting, doing yoga, writing, reading, holding the sanctuary in pure love, healing the building, accepting the confusion, sorrow, continual harsh of the city’s injustice smelling the sidewalks with look the other way, it’s too intense. tomorrow begins the descent. from blossom back to seed…..from living on the surface to heading back to the under world, inner world, other world, which is also right here and right now, fully present, although unseen….