hanuman on thursday…

my krishna das love continues… it’s getting stronger and spreading.  hearing his voice makes my entire body relax and settle into a melting feeling of love and deep rooted passion.  his broad chest filled with spirit in red clothes…he really does feel like hanuman.  who came to me last night through listening to the hanuman chalisa.  i felt hanuman for the first time.  today i am basking in the fervor of feeling him…and wondering why, to me, hanuman is hunamon in the way i say his name that way…HOO-nah-mon.  not sure why, but my voice keeps insisting on it.  voice  voice.  his voice.  i am determined to get myself to kirtan.  i want to chant.  i want to be in a room with other chanters, as we feel the veil dissolve and become one with the chant.  i find myself wearing white lately.  craving that color.  she told me it’s the color of the student.  feels good to be a student.  the hindu gods and goddesses speak to my heart.  i am in love with life…with the feelings these memories are igniting in me, listening to these chants….feeling devotion in a way that is new…union with red….love for being this living heart we are living as…in a lineage of mysterious sentience embodying forms, living inside of a dream inside of a dream…tiny clues contained in me and you…contained in every eye, vein, and seed…every experience and every feeling.  bathing in this feeling, i am.  in other news….and on the other side of my brain, the left…i am perplexed and plagued by a sense of extreme indecision, like i am walking on a tight-rope and don’t see the other side yet.  each day is a lesson in balance, strength, focus, patience, trust, risk, and faith…all of which i keep learning with my body and mind in yoga.  body is teaching.  i dreamed of monkeys the other night.  i was one of them, but different from them, a different being that knew more.  it was awful , too awful to write, what was happening to the monkey people by the beings who were controlling them.  then they started doing it to me too.  i tried to stop them with morality, outraged, using rationality and a sense of justice…but the beings in control told me there is no such thing, and the monkeys didn’t know anything about morality or justice either.  you could do whatever you wanted to them because there was no sense of right or wrong, it wasn’t a part of their consciousness.  when i realized that the monkeys saw things this way, i thought that maybe this means that they have no shame in the way they were being treated.  then i had the thought, maybe it’s just a cultural difference.  and then i got confused, my heart wasn’t sure of what to feel because it was horrified at the treatment of the monkeys, but the horror wasn’t being validated.  my heart was being denied by the mind saying it’s a cultural difference, which left me feeling totally disoriented and powerless.  really crappy how these other beings were treating the monkey people and me.  smells a lot like a certain human karma on repeat.  do you feel this pain?  yes, says heart.  my mom sent me a card in the mail that told me to trust myself.  it made me want to cry.  came at the perfect time.  do you trust yourself?  is there a self to trust?  how deeply can you let go of who you think is in control?  can you let go all the way?  i am tasting letting go on my lips….the wind is picking up too…there’s something coming.  change feels ominous for everybody.  it’s already happening within…