the new mania is love…

writing another blog cause it’s all i want to do.  listening to krishna das on the headphones my sister gifted me for my birthday.  sounds so rich, so good.  my refuge.  but what is my practice?  i am not chanting or meditating.  i am doing yoga and running.  but it’s not the same.  unless i make it the same.  today i jogged with the headphones.  it’s weird how much a difference headphones make in my life.  by jogging with headphones, i listened to songs that made my heart burst open, and that feeling which came through, i directed inward toward the “i”…divine masculine…oneness…and once filled with the complete love of oneness….i directed that love toward “me”…divine feminine…self….giving her “i’s vajra to hold onto and ride into being here, feeling joy for being alive.  deep replenishment.  i went to work bathing in “i” love and did not want for anything.   have i used enough quotes already?  enough with the quotes…i need new names to use.  let’s see….so it wore off toward night, being love…when i began to feel scared, after the scary man came into the store, possessed by a dark force.  trigger city.  she said to think of my scorpio energy.  that’s where she gets it from, her bravery and protective-ness speaking up, standing up.  fear, i noticed, was making me want to shrink, run, hide.  comparing myself to a neurotic and sensitive chihuahua.  while she is the chihuahua that barks and protects in the front.  we have our natures.  but at the same time, i remember years ago, when some friends and me were walking down a mountain, and i had sophie by the leash.  sophie i loved dearly and deeply, maybe the most intimate i have ever felt with a dog.  sweetest black lab.  wise pup.  so when this other big dog came walking up the mountain, giving me a bad feeling, looking aggressive…i yelled “no!” with such fierceness, that it made everyone stop in shock.  but it wasn’t “me” doing the yelling.  it was “i” doing it.  it came from the oneness.  and all was well.  no harm happened.  this seems to come up as a theme in my life.  sovereignty over the bodily domain.  there’s lots of karma here, for this me of mine.  i wonder…could “i” be trying to get through to “me”, through my fear of scary men?  all is lila, the divine play acting out in a divine theater.  all this drama is meant to be happening, for many reasons and no reasons at all.  in the story, she learns about her power.  in the deathless no-story, she is oneness.  shhhhhh….can i let go and trust “i”?  i feel the urge to let go into this trust.  not compulsively buy the next magical item this time.  this time, smell the patchouli, violet, rose, sandalwood, and china-lily on my wrist, see the reflection in the dirty mirror, and clear the dirt off by going to “i” for everything.  eating apples, figs, and cashews.  drinking matcha.  wearing blue.  yes, his guru is coming through to me, through him.  and he too, is my guru.  guru is a feeling.  the real reality, given through energetic transference.  through heart.  i know i am doing things eclectically.  but the work feels the same.  it feels like work.  and work is work.  love, the devotion.  the magician card.  creating my own reality.  putting conscious focus on what matters the most, and it’s not a thing or a status, but the ambition is large…and it’s to keep being real, in the real.  nothing compares.  it’s finalized in the blood and bone.  letting go of what cannot be.  i don’t know what i am typing anymore.  a new drama has begun….