returning to the mother ship…

back in seattle.  god i love this place.  the first breath of air out of the airport filled me with bliss.  sweetening the sorrow of leaving my family, who i will miss with hurt in my heart every day.  but i see, how vegas, though my clarity town, also has a weight to it.  maybe i find clarity in the density.  but soon as i returned here, and took one breath of air outside, i came back to the mystical spot inside, where i feel no boundaries between the layers, and love gushes from the center.  as you know, from my many rants, i am a hard core advocate of the spirit of a place.  places are gurus too.  and seattle, thus far, is the mother ship of my animal self.  collecting homes.  collecting memories.  the i that is really me, spreads like home-made jam all over the world.  the me that is i, yearns and burns all over the land.  honoring both.  not saying being a me is bad or wrong, or should be ignored, suppressed, judged, or antagonized.  the me is neat.  masculine “i” is the oneness-the way we all are translations of spirit…and while the illusion of being an individual is not the be-all-end-all, and remembering our origin as oneness is key, the illusion is sacred too.  amnesia has its mysterious place.  my cells light up when i say that the “me” is karma, while the “i” is dharma.  the dharma is being the oneness we really are.  and the karma is the drama of being a self, born into a body, from a body, made by other bodies.   the dharma of being oneness is always full, always love, complete and whole.  while the karma of being a me, is our individual selves being individuals like we are supposed to be, cause that is what we are.  i celebrate the animal and the illusion…celebrate the pleasure and the pain, loss and gain, of feminine me being a self…while love inhales and exhales within as the masculine i, radiating out at all times no matter what, from the oneness.  cycles of contraction and expansion.  the i is the ebb and the me is the flow.  a masculine-feminine sandwich is what we feel and how we know.  i cannot thank krishna das enough right now, for opening my heart back up to the masculine i, with his bahkti fervor, and deep voice.  serving spirit.  his guru, i feel through him, deeply…thank you.  she said kirtan is like eating cake, so now that’s stuck in my head.  she is teaching me about the practice.  i keep seeing myself typing in the dark.  the practice.  it’s in the doing.  the plane ride home i slept a lot, and read “dune”.  this book.  love.  how did he imagine such a place.  i want to.  i have.  but i always seem to peter out.  lose steam.  stop myself short.  no more.  accept.  accept.  forgive.  forgive.  she wanted to know from the cards, why the betrayal happened.  the masculine i, oneness says, “because lila.  divine play.”  and the feminine me, self says, “to learn and grow.”  both say, “absurdity.”  body longing.  soul giving.  being love and yearning for it at the same time…