listening to a krishna das interview last night before bed, put me to sleep for the first night since getting to vegas. i love this man’s voice and energy. i crave baritone, tree trunk like solidity, and that love…the love coming from his heart, his guru’s heart….a universal love, sense of humor, deep red and golden. and what he was talking about…coming into the here and now, not escaping… and coming into love. not feeling love, but being love. being love. i have and can grasp this when i set my attention to it. and when i come into being love, my wanting evaporates in the sunny heat of love’s giving. krishna das gets there through chanting, and when i listen to him chant i feel it and get there myself. though i am discovering too, i can get there, through a reminder. it’s like an adjustment in a yoga posture. relaxing the shoulders. staying being love, is the hard part. it’s up to each one of us to get ourselves there, and to stay in love. and as kd spoke of, being love is very different than feeling love. being love is a space. feeling love is a flitting emotion. being love is a presence. feeling love is weather, it comes and goes. i want to be love. and then i think of how he described his guru…not wanting anything. i laugh at myself for wanting to be love. and for wanting to get to the place where i no longer want to be love, cause it’s automatic. i am such a wanter. ruled by desire. we all are. i just have the volume turned way up. succulent in my desires. embracing this. embracing the feminine nature of growing in this rich illusion. the way yearning is a like a fertilizer. and how my dad just told me that fertilizer seeping into the chesapeake bay is killing the water. i cannot stop laughing at myself. i keep getting twisted up in desire ropes. it’s ok. kd spoke of how it can be manipulative to try to tone in all the positive things, such as, “i am love, i am light, i am trust.” how that can be beneficial and do some good script re-writing, but also how love is not manipulative. it does not ask us to feeling anything in particular. this is why i rant about allowing the self to feel and embrace everything from the darkest dark, to the lightest light. nothing is truly wrong. life is a mirror. i am interpreting it. feeling the expanded “i” contract into the “me”, like a mud ball in an oyster shell, turning into a pearl. the artistic creation of form and the tension of light and dark needed to make form appear. laughter. tears. deep dark red. sita-ram.