i the shell, me the mud ball….

it’s another one of those two blogs in one day, days.  because i am blogging to release.  tomorrow i leave my family again, and i feel sadness for the leaving.  the desert has once again, swept my heart clean of urban debris and accumulated cranky burn out.  i keep thinking about the “i” and the “me”…or the soul and the animal…or spirit and body….the distinguishing marks….the paradoxical nature…the complexity perfectly fitting within the simplicity.  i feel “i” and i feel love, that universal love, unconditional for everything.  lila love. love free of conditions.  then i sink into “me” and it’s all yearning and longing and crankiness and future wishing and nostalgia.  there is a bridge between the two, or a portal, or a dimension.  the portal opens with the smell of vanilla, amber, jasmine, orange, and grapefruit.  it opens with amethyst and moonstone.  it widens like an eye, with listening to krishna das and singing the chants.  it gushes like tears of joy, when i let go of “me” and fully dive into “i”.   like the opening of an eye inside a heart, nestled in a seed in the earth…i am tempted by i….and pained by me.  and when things go my way, i am pleasured by me, while i forget i.  amnesia has a purpose too.  tap tap the keys, until we leave for my parents 49th anniversary dinner, and i eat shrimp.  realizing, i will never be with anyone for 49 years, cause i will be dead before 49 years are over.  thinking about what i was thinking about while swimming laps this morning…about how animal me, ego me, wants to be with one person till death….while i am completely ok with being with somebody until our time is done, be it three months or ten years or two days, or whatever…allowing romantic love to take it’s natural course, and not being concerned with needing the security of till death do us part.  i could let go into that.  and i also could commit to the life long romance.  open to both, and noticing…how “i” has complete trust for being in the universal momentum of however things flow, not concerned with time, unburdened with endings…while “me” is determined to create this specific vision, due to what?  part cultural conditioning, part feminine desire, part artistic fervor, part romantic notion, part spiritual ambition, etc.  i don’t judge or choose either side, but see both clearly, and embrace both, as my libra moon tends to do.  staying open is my true blue color..and life for me, has been largely about becoming something i did not choose.  being a healer, i never chose.  i would never choose it.  it chose me.  and perhaps, this is how it’s gonna roll for me in this life.  and perhaps, this is why i am naturally yielding.  i don’t know.  the mind comes to a realization, and then i allow the realization to fade back into the all.  drinking a glass of white wine from family happy hour as i type.  listening to my family watch a tv program.  not ready to get on the jet plane.  but am i ever ready?  is anyone ever ready?  embracing the risk of living at the full capacity of “i”, who doesn’t need security, who trusts with pure snowy abandon.  the animal learns a great deal from spirit.  that’s the path for me, to learn from i, to be molded by i.  “i” is the sculptor and “me” is the clay.  this is tao of my life…this is the way….