only in vegas…

does disco music pour from the parking lot speakers of a health food store…

do i jog past one bunny after the next…

and see baby quails the size of walnuts speeding down the sidewalk, following their mommy…

do i talk to the sun in my head, and ask him not to burn me, and to fill me with his radiance…

do you get out of the airport and have the opportunity to seal yourself in a glass fishbowl filled with slot machines where you can smoke cigarettes…and get directions to the closest liquor store…

do i find utter and complete clarity, due to being in the desert…where my heart feels a home…

can you see olivia newton john live, any night of the week…

and i could say more, about all the quintessential stuff, you know, about hoochies and their boobs and stiletto shoes, casinos and all that….but it’s boring to me…so enough with the only in vegas one liners…

tonight we are seeing olivia newton john, in fact, and if there is any full circle in my life, this would be it…as from the ages of 9 to 11, i was her biggest fan, memorizing every record and singing to her music, wishing one day, to be a famous singer myself…like many young american girls also heavily influenced by the media to crave fame and attention…

my sister is here and it’s always so great to see her…one thing i miss about living in new york, is being able to visit my family in virginia three times a year.  this time around, and the older i get, the more i wish we could all live close.  my desire for family burns in my belly like a bonfire.  

my desire to root, and have a home-home is taking precedence in my soul.  i cried my eyes out yesterday to my mom and sister, overwhelmed by how i feel living among twenty somethings who drink and smoke themselves into oblivion all the time, as twenty something’s are influenced to do by our culture, and what is considered fun.  i did it too.  but those days are over.  and i want something new.  have for a while now.  when i am around my family, my tolerance for not having a partner, animal, tomato plant, home-home, dissolves.  i become so tender.  so fucking tender…

sometimes the amount of tenderness i feel, feels like chains and a prison…

but then i come back to my lakshmi head…and remember…

every single one of us is combination of having what we want, and not having what we want.  that is life here.  part longing and sorrow.  part joy and appreciation.  blessing and curse.  dark and light.  you know the score, so why keep one?  screw the score.  there are things about my life that are lucky and blessed…and i am thankful every day for what i have…

and for what i don’t have, i say, “thank you teacher.”  for the wounds, waiting, never getting, and pain of the heart are my greatest soul growers, and i value this growth as the core of who i am…beyond the immediate physical moment.  

only in vegas am i able to see into the clear mirror with no dirt on it…isn’t that ironic?  vegas is my most spiritual place.  it’s the desert here.  and not the desert in general, but here.  

this land, even though they built satan’s amusement park over it…is magical and serene…and i love it.