patchwork before the desert…

i’m writing this while listening to krisha das, my new obsession, kirtan.  his kirtan. after listening to him at my work for over a year, my heart finally opened to him, and now i cannot get enough.  watched a documentary on his life, and was deeply touched by how he has lived.  i felt his guru who gushed into his heart, gush into mine.  his voice fills me with with a golden comforting light.  this alongside my obsession with veronica mars, is interesting.  i find myself relating to her, and realizing that’s why i love the show.  i need to relate to myself in an outside reflection, to see myself more clearly.  there’s that.  and then there’s letting go of pain.  and then there’s letting go of the story.  and having faith.  and being filled with deep love.  i am being filled with deep love by krishna das kirtan, veronica mars, my work, mother earth, amethyst, moonstone, shungite, coral, peaches, blueberries, amber, rosemary, clove, lakshmi, the hearts of friends listening to me, as i listen to them, while we give each other pushes on the inner-tube down and up the river…remembering….give give give….and let go and let go….and be yourself….let your real self show…forgive, and see where improvement is needed…  

i get scared to let my real self show.  but tonight i got to the why, when i took the feeling of terror all the way to it’s root inside, and saw the memories in my mind….of bad things happening.  with the acknowledgement, compassion flooded in like the rush of the nile, and with that….asking for the old vow to be taken from me and sent back into the holy light for recycling… 

real pain is on the inside.  the feelings.  nothing hurts without feelings.  tender feelings swelling in all of us.  this is what it means to be a human animal.  lila plays through us.  like a monopoly game, you don’t mind taking all the poor’s money and building hotels on every piece of real estate you own, cause you know it’s just a game.  lila, which resides in all of us, and in everything, knows this physical life is just a game.  lila in the heart, feels the vastness of spirit-never ending, but only translating from one form to another.  only in the forgetting of this endless knot, does any amount of suffering grow.  life is suffering.  we meant ourselves to forget all of who we are, this is the lila wish in us all.  to experience this life we are living, from the beauty to the horror…to suffer…and then, to transform out of it through love, awareness, and free will.  or…game over.  cause we wipe ourselves out.  no biggie.  life does not have to be suffering forever.  nothing stays the same except that everything is always changing.  we are in continual creative flux.  we are verbs.  being static with metaphysical and philosophical concepts is like trying to encapsulate the action of living, into a monument.  as above, so below.  i am in the midst of change.  and so are you.  with are living progress.  the lightness of this consumes me….while at the same time, tears for the pain and suffering fall, for every living creature going through it.  the mind is perplexed.  god is a trickster…