rant of longing and being sad…

as we come into a weekend where it’s aligned with the stars to reflect deeply on our wounds, limitations, sorrows, and depths…i feel like like writing about my sorrow with romantic love, and getting it out into blog.  it’s been a daily struggle these past few months.  having to let go of another man i fell in love with because it wasn’t right, is so hard.  i feel like that’s all i have done in life.  that and be alone.  i know the reasons.  for, in being alone for so many years, i have developed a deep intimacy with my inner self, earth, universe, soul, and am very emotionally independent and self generating, which is not only healing, but empowering.

as for the sparse relationships i have had, with all but one, i have been genuinely in love, yet the relationships were still short lived…and the lesson there has been to learn about self love, by honoring my needs and letting go of the love, when the needs cannot be met, without blaming the other.  it’s divine masculine work, for me.  because i have always been imbalanced too much in the feminine, in the yielding, to the point where for too long, in too many lives, i have sacrificed who i am for the other, served the other, lost myself in the other, etc.  it’s in my dna too.  this is deep work.  i get it.  very clear.  never easy.

and it’s not like the three significant loves i have had, are clumped together in a pile of soul lesson only.  each man, has been a unique journey of love, and each letting go has had it’s own flavor of pain and difficulty.  and each time i let go, it’s scarier, more risk.  for as we all know, the older one gets, the more vulnerable one feels…the tendency toward becoming jaded, bitter, shut down, or shut off, increases.  i see that tendency and i’ll raise faith four times more. staying soft as i was at thirteen years old, dreaming about true love, and i still believe in it.  maybe not as some fanciful notion pre-destined by an outside fate…but certainly as a real form of art, two people who come together, and make sense as friends, lovers, and partners of the soul.  this does not mean compromises, challenges, and struggles don’t happen…it just means the union does not have these large gaps where needs are being denied or misunderstood, within either partner.  i know this is possible for me…

even if i struggle to have faith.  and even if i am sick of hearing people tell me cliches.  i don’t want to hear it anymore.  don’t tell me to have more self love.  i have been healing for a gazillion years.  i have my phd in self love.  don’t tell me to put myself out there more.  i am out there.  don’t tell me anything that stems from either your natural sense of luck and esteem in the area of sexual romantic love, or anything from your own personal destiny with it.  because we are all different and you are not in my shoes, and i am not in your shoes.  our paths are different.  and this is why i am keeping quiet about it.  except to write about it here.  for myself, a rant.  i am working on more self love every day.  enough with the self love, already.  it’s beginning to smell like psycho-babble and making me want to run away from the cult of the new age and everything i can’t stand about it.  no more!

sometimes pain is pain.  people still have a hard time validating pain in a culture where only happy emotions are acceptable.  as if validating pain also validates a victim mentality.  there is a difference.   i don’t feel like a victim when i feel this sorrow.  only when i go into pity do i feel victim, and that is not happening.  i am watching that story dissolve like butter on a hot side walk.  sorrow is not bad.  it is real. and feeling it and being sad are valid.  and i apologize for how it gets in the way sometimes.  how i cannot be the most fun person to hang around, or the nicest to customers, or the friendliest to strangers.  it is what it is….sometimes in life, there are bouts and cycles where the heart is sad, forlorn, and needy.  it’s not bad, it’s life.  i feel strangled sometimes by this lack of awareness reflected outside of me, mirroring my polar intolerance.  for as intolerant as my culture is with sorrow existing without being fixed by some internal adjustment, i am intolerant of my culture!  back to compassion, more compassion…the ever growing lesson….

i do tend to be a more serious minded person by nature too.  i mean, i laugh a ton and have fun an all, but i simply tend to have a more serious and reflective personality by default.  i am ok with this.  but in a society that favors light hearted sunny types, i don’t fit in as much.   it’s ok.  i shall be the lunar wolf with a big heart anyhow.  there is a man out there who will appreciate my serious nature, and the sorrow that is naturally me, even after the sorrow of being without him evaporates, when i am with him.  which is real too.

i know it from experience.  i know it from my last relationship.  how good it felt to be possessed by love, held by it, plugged into it, to have my man and be his woman, to feel like i was home.  this is a very real feeling of animal and soul contentment that was satisfied by the experience, and it felt amazing.  for the cliche statement, “being with a man wont solve everything,” i say back…i know that.  i don’t need everything solved.  there’s no void inside.  i am pretty damn whole already.  i have found peace, i enjoy solitude, and aside from financially, i am the most independently strong person this side of the colorado river….or whatever.  you know what i mean.  i am not dependent on the male energy to make me feel valid or pretty or loved.  i am not wanting true love to fix anything inside of me, or to take away life’s difficulty.  as one friend said to me, who i relate to…”the best way to heal from not having it, is to actually have the relationship.”

i know the real feeling of happiness that comes from being with a partner and it’s valid and it’s what i seek more than anything.  i am a lover at heart.  it’s the treasure of my existence.  and i don’t blame nature for making it a quest, for that’s the human thing, right?  we make quests.  and i am thankful for the love of the past, even though i had to let go.  i get all of it.  intellectually, i see the entire chess board, and the entire spiritual spiral of karma and healing.  i know love will come.  i know the healing and letting go needed to take this long.  i know my past lovers will always be special to me and i forgive myself and them for all karma from all lives, setting us free… for all humans make mistakes, and when we don’t see something, or act from wounds, or can’t provide something, or whatever the case may be where needs are not met, or tragedy occurs…we are doing the best we can.  i hold no grudges.  loss happens.

i am sad as hell these days.  i don’t want to be single anymore.  i want to be with one man for the rest of my days.  i want to mate like animals and be a cave woman with her cave man.  i want to merge like souls and become the yin-yang.  i wont sacrifice my sexual, emotional, and mental essential needs or identity to do so…no matter how much i have to let go…i will keep being single until the partnership is harmonious, accepting the lessons which are always there, and trusting myself to live from my truth, and not go into denial.  sure there will be some areas for compromise.  i was willing to do a lot of compromising in the past, it’s not been an issue of mine.  but when it comes to the essentials, no compromise.

sexual flow, affection, acceptance, compassion, awareness, understanding, good communication, and mental connection must exist.  i don’t mind if he’s not into my mystical path, so long as he appreciates and honors my path.  no longer will i be afraid of my mysticism pushing a man away.  same goes with my serious nature, or my robust curves, or anything else about me.  love is love.  i don’t mind if he’s younger or older, taller or shorter, thinner or fatter, so long as we really want our bodies to come together.  and i’m ok if we have no karma together too, i can start anew.  however it comes through, whomever he is…an old soul mate or a new one, get here already!  these lonely nights are becoming cliche.  my heart is aching in a brand new way.  aching like quick silver, and like moon with no light to reflect.  the palpable sorrow grips me.  i am taken by it.  taking it to the mat, going to work, writing, painting, doing all that…but lackluster…sad sad sad….

just sad…