nihilistic tuesday…

the human world feels so unsettled and scary right now.  i cannot read any news, it hits too hard.  my heart sinks quick.  i feel like an escape artist.  not able to handle it.  gonna try the hot yoga here in vegas again, this morning, even though last thursday, i thought for sure i would faint.  need the strength.  heat bumps on my skin.  tea tree oil.  tons of coffee.  nervous about going home.  the simple plane ride back to the simple busy routine.  dreamed last night i moved to another seattle hood and was taking shakespeare yoga. ha.  dramatic yoga.  yoga that looks like emotional ups and downs and moral conflicts?  i don’t know.  i was trying to climb up the denny hill, which in the dream, was a thousand times steeper, and i couldn’t do it, and cars were coming to swipe me out.  death.  death within life.  watching dead bees float in the turquoise pool.  astonished continually, that sociopath maniacs rule the human world.  sad for people.  snowball effect.  winter far away.  we are in the thick of summer sun.  summer fun?  not yet.  a little bit.  i am not a fighter.  why not feel like i am sinking and have fun until i die then?  who am i trying to help anyways?  feeling the desire drain out of me.  put it in a book, that’s the best i can do.  or maybe play a part.  guide me universe, guide me.  you know i am your feminine vessel of love and compassion.  just don’t know what to do with myself these days.  people want to know about their personal lives (me too) when the world is so fucked up.  the human world.  i am in shock that people believe in the man in the sky.  i am in shock there are wars over it.  in shock that violence, abuse, poverty, and prejudice are masked and upheld by institutionalized law and culture.  it’s morbidly disgusting.  like the time evy and i saw the chickens in the mac truck.  i feel so ashamed.  affirming the pain again.  feeling the negative.  vegas is getting to me.  i need to get back to the emerald city.  to that peace.  to the land that makes sense to my sensibility.  i will go to this hot yoga class and do my best not to faint.  skin bumps and all.  red chested, like a singing bird.  could this be the end?  are bad things coming?  i hate it when i get this sense.  i don’t want to smell things on the wind, and confuse it with paranoid thinking.  i get why certain souls check out of here. what are the choices?  believe in some fable to cope, or be a pillar of light, or an unconscious mountain of distraction?  oh, listen to me.  i feel hard and alone.  my body is an island.   rose quartz, soften me.  lemurian quartz, can i have some of your pillary light?  watching louis ck talk about how, in the moment of panic, when you can’t figure out how to solve the problem, you are just about to solve it.  panic equals learning.  am i about to learn something new?  used to allow the panic to deluge my feelings.  not anymore.  this is progress anyhow.  who cares though.  nihilistic tuesday.  blame it on the one hundred and ten degree heat wave.  on the news that terrorizes our birth right.  on living too far away from my folks.  on getting older.  invincibility and self destruction replaced by….replaced by….another version of radiance and pain…