new moon nostalgia dreaming…

new moon in cancer.  about to lay beneath the radiant sun piercing through a cornflower blue sky, in a purple swim suit by the community pool, dotted with palm trees…set against red mountains.  insomnia last night…as the moon waxed into position around one am.  wondering about what life i want to create for myself next?  not going to wait for romantic love anymore.  embracing the now and being alone.  it is what it is.  bringing both sorrow and joy to tea.  learning my lessons.  climbing the tree.  discernment.  a trait of the forties.  no longer jumping without looking.  not sure where to go next.  seattle holds me like a baby.  maybe i will stay.  i could go, too.  both hold appeal.  i have a restless wandering soul, and i also am craving to root and call some place home.  don’t have the money to root alone.  so i embrace being a wandering soul.  home is my writing.  home is spirit.  feeling deeply intimate with spirit these days.  her earthly embrace.  his lunar light.  those waves of pleasure sent to me in the middle of the night.  waking early to peaceful pink dawn.  saying to myself, “this is where i belong.”  nothing is wrong.  to counteract the feeling of frustration, loneliness, and the temptation to dive into pity, that familiar narcissistic comfort zone, conditioned by my environment, pinging old wounds, and causing endless psychological dialogue that is a waste of energy.  missing san francisco.  romantic notions wave their flags in the iris of my eye.  i am seeing through prayers.  zebras race across the soft pillows on my mother’s couch.  wondering if i will come home to a rent increase.  no way i will pay even more for a one hundred year old black mold in the walls building, that ought to be condemned.  run by a faceless company charging too much money.  they call this old world charm.  so much complicity in the city.  at least the studio i rented in san francisco, as expensive as it was, was mold free, mammoth, and beautiful.  i am missing the colors.  sea shell colored.  apple green parrots.  california dreams.  it’s romantic to miss something, some place, or somebody.  fixating is a distraction.  sifting through longings, to reap the true callings.  cancer new moon, you are nostalgic.  tender.  protective.  come to the present, me.  let your tummy deflate by accepting this fate.  being here is all you need to be…